Guzzlin' Gus - The town drunk

How To Love A Lush | Profile Of Guzzlin’ Gus


Original Publish Date: November 28, 2016

Updated & Published: May 18, 2021

By Ronald Kennedy

This Dude Is ‘One-Of-A-Kind.’

Check out old drinking Gus, better known as ‘guzzlin’ Gus, the town drunk! Now don’t act like your ass don’t know someone like Gus. Maybe you know someone like this from work or could be a male member in your family. Don’t be ashamed!

It happens to the best of us. (These dudes figure the bottle is more important).

Then again, your ‘Gus’ may be a female family member. Daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, etc. (Hell, you get the picture!) You’ll always recognize who’s the lush right around the holidays.

How to love this person the way you’d like, is a task in itself. They maybe family, but damn they’re a pain in the neck.

Exposes True Self On Holidays


On Thanksgiving & Christmas, Look Out! He or she (Yes, there are women drunks too), will come over and head straight for the liquor cabinet or whatever you have laid out on the table!

Why is it they’re always the first to arrive? (Some even have nerve enough to complain about the brands you have).

You’ll still be in the kitchen cooking, trying to get that holiday meal together because you’re expecting 12 guest.

So far all is going good, except for Gus bugging you every 15 or 20 minutes asking where is the rest of the liquor? (What you had laid out on the table is already gone).

But in regards to Gus himself. He’s a soft-spoken guy in his late 40’s, getting fat, going bald and not giving a damn about anything. (If female, she’s probably overweight, lazy and screams at the kids all day). 

During the pandemic, he never wore a mask telling people alcohol keeps him immune and it’s his own way to be vaccinated. He drinks like a fish, breath smells bad enough to make a horse commit suicide and he thinks he knows it all. You can’t tell him crap! (So don’t even try!!) 

One habit he has that you’ll never get use to: Gus will always get right in your face, as though you can’t hear; spit flying everywhere, trying to out talk you. (I wonder why drunks always do that.)

All you can do at this point is hold your breath for as long as you can, pretend you’re into what he’s saying and hope like hell, that he will soon shut the fuck up.

Sometime he acts like a spoiled mama’s boy if he doesn’t get his way. The whole town tries to show this Gus love, but do so only out of pity.

PLEASE! Avoid conversations at all cost!

So without further ado, I present to you the profile of Guzzin’ Gus…

Guzzlin’ Gus


VITAL STATISTICS – Age: 27 to 62,

Height: 5’6″ to 5’11”

Weight: 14 Cases

OCCUPATION – If he stays sober enough, you ladies might find him working as a forklift driver, (..just don’t stand too close or you’ll get killed.) You may also find this type cleaning up school buses.

But more than likely, he’ll just be on government assistance collecting his check.


FAVORITE FOODS – Ladies, this drunk enjoys feasting on Tacos smothered in hot wine sauce, steamed corn with stale Rye bread and garlic strips.

For a midnight snack, he’ll invite you over to have a large dripping slice of bourbon pie topped with Cool Whip.


He’s not choosey at all. He’ll drink you under the table. Whatever alcohol beverage the store clerk will sell him is just fine.

When you’re at his place, just don’t try to out drink him. (..this really pisses him off.)

FAVORITE MUSIC – Prepare your ears for an evening of ‘Bud Light’ commercial jingles, all Country & Western songs, and anything played down at the local pub or the neighborhood gin joint.

FAVORITE MOVIES/TV SHOWS – Your night of enjoyable viewing with him will include ‘Old Cheers’ reruns and the 80’s movie ‘Arthur’ with Dudley Moore.

He also enjoy watching past taped film footage of Alcoholics Anonymous rap sessions. (..he has a very LARGE collection and he just knows you’ll get a kick out of it.)

FAVORITE SPORTS/HOBBIES – Football, drinkin’, belchin’ and fartin’ (But not necessarily in that order.) Do you think you can keep up? I doubt it!

TYPE OF CAR – When a little sober, (..which is very rare) he may attempt to drive his old Chevy van. But anytime you spot this hunk of junk parked in some remote area, you can bet your last dollar he’s inside sleeping one off.

LAST BOOK – “Kinzie report—-BEER: The New Aphrodisiac  written by Brew Masters; Inc. ( collaboration with Kinzie, of course).

TURN-ON’S – Easy twist-off beer bottle caps, Super Bowl Sunday with his buddies treating him to free booze and shiny new beer delivery trucks stocked with suds.

TURN-OFF’S – Losing his sense of taste and smell when sick. He also hates warm beer, missing liquor sales and you drinking more than him.

SECRET FANTASY – He dreams of someday being accidentally locked inside a beer distillery for a whole weekend without being discovered.


Zodiac sign-Taurus/how-to-love-a-lush-profile-of-guzzlin'-gus

PERSONALITY – A connoisseur from way back in the day, this lush really does know his suds.

Along with his huge belly, he’ll more than likely be of mixed heritage, very lazy and think he knows it all.

(Just ask him anything, and regardless if he know the answer or not, he’ll argue you down until you agree.)

In later years, he may suffer from a bad case of stiff finger joints due to opening so many pop-top beer cans and twist off bottle caps.

IDEAL WOMAN – She must be under 28, a little chunky and have bucked teeth. This way, whenever he can’t locate the bottle opener, he can just turn to her and say; ” Honey, open wide!”

WHERE TO MEET – Ladies, you’ll run into these types standing in lottery lines, at the bowling alley, the old neighborhood bar or puking his guts out in someone’s backyard.

GOAL – To one day win some type of contest where first prize would be a free case of beer every week for 24 months.

RATING – 4.7…..At the beginning ladies, he could start off being a good provider for your children. But later in the relationship, you’ll probably get dumped for a big-breasted barmaid; which may be all for the better.

You would only tire yourself out from the constant litter of beer cans strewn about the house. ( messy deal.)

But there’s a good bet he could be a candidate for ‘Customer of the Year’ named by the local aluminum recycling center in Belch-em’, Wyoming.

Check this out! It’s amazing:

PSYCHIC LOVE REPORT-Watch this video! Discover when, where, and how you will meet your soulmate.

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  1. A very interesting story, will keep you laughing. So so thankful for not dealing with anyone like Gus. Your a great writer.

    1. Thank you my friend Renea, for reading and enjoying Guzzlin’ Gus. He’s a one-of-a-kind-dude that no woman should want to waste their time on. Thanks for stopping by.

  2. Hahahaha thanks again Ronny for this good, good morning been sleepy until I ran into this page and this just reminded me of another one.of these you wrote on how the old dirty grandma. I hope I won’t turn into an old Gus anytime soon I’m not sure this guy is really a happy one I just want to have a good life style but reading this just gives me heads up on what to do not to become something like this. I’m hoping I wake up to one of these articles again someday not long from now.

    1. Hey Donny. It feels good to have faithful readers who enjoy my crazy post. I love making folks laugh, so I know I’ve done my job. Old guzzlin’ Gus is the type you’d find in your local pub or neighborhood juke joint. Just be prepared to accept his offer to have a drink….just as long as you’re paying! Please share old Gus with others.

  3. Hi Ronald,

    Thanks again for another hilarious article and every time I read one of your article I struggle to stop my laughter. I really enjoyed the content and in the manner that you presented. I am amazed at your sense of humor and thank you for sharing this article.

    Bucked teeth, Customer of the Year, stiff finger joints, etc are some of the places I lost myself lol. Planning to share your article with my wife. Can’t wait for your next article and keep up the great work!

    1. Thank you my friend for being a devoted reader and enjoying my articles. Guzzlin’ Gus could be spotted at any local pub and neighborhood juke joint. Check any small town and there you will find him. Gus love company, especially if you drink. He’ll invite you up to the bar for a drink….as long as you’re paying! LOL! Please share my funny post with others.

  4. A very interesting story, will keep you laughing. So so thankful for my wonderful husband God blessed me with and not having to deal with anyone like Gus. Your description of Gus makes him seem so real and the story line is written really well. You are a great writer. Blessings.

    1. Renea, do you mean you don’t want a classy guy like Guzzlin’ Gus?? LOL. Yes, you are Blessed to have a good, normal man. Gus is in a ‘class by himself.’ He will find a woman just like himself, who will love the same thing as him….and that’s to drink, drink,and drink some more!! Please share my post with others.

  5. I can’t stop laughing alone. This is indeed comical, what an entertaining figure Guz is. Imagine, to be locked inside a beer factory for a whole weekend wouldn’t be an accident for him but a welcome desire. His life goal is winning the award comprising a free case of alcoholic drink weekly for 1 year. Funny as this is, do you know it is typical of the lifestyle of some individuals in real life.

    1. Hi Mojisola. My best guess is that you got a big kick out of Gus. LOL! I know what you mean about folks in ‘real life’ drink like this dude. (I know a few myself.) Although alcoholism is a serious issue, I’m always ready to put my own spin on it, and squeeze something funny out of the situation. (I’m a bad boy!) LOL. Please share my funny post with others.

  6. Hello Ronald thanks for  sharing with us this funny and hilarious post,, I really enjoyed going through this article, what I believe is that every single person has what  they look out for  or what do interest them in a person, is either they  like them simple or rough either ways loving  someone us from the  inside 

    1. Diddy, thank you for reading! Glad you enjoyed my post! I guess we all have our hangups. Regardless if it’s an addiction to drugs, sex or alcohol….too much of anything isn’t good for you. But Gus will hang in there with the best of them. (He’ll drink you under the table!) Don’t compete with him….you’ll Never Win!! Please share my post with others.

  7. A lush will be completely difficult to love, they come with a lot of baggage and care less of having a future,how much more with you. They are never wrong and always want to be  noted when present.  Checking out the criterias listed here, there is no doubt that having a relationship with them will pay out in the long run. It is risk to be with them.

    1. Hi my friend, and thank you for commenting. I agree that women dating dudes that drink non-stop gets no satisfaction! Things will go down hill before they even get started! The only activity a woman will receive at home, will be to go back and fourth to the kitchen, and get his beer. But you’ll always hope for the best. My friend Steviejohn41 please share my site with others.

  8. Your article is hilarious and different. Finding the right partner has never been easy.I cannot imagine even being initially attracted to a heavy drinking blowhard as you describe. Yet I know there are people who are. The thing is people are different and at the same time what people get attracted to are different too.

    1. Thanks for the compliment, my friend. (In today’s time, folks need a good laugh every-now-and-then.) But with so much going on in the world, I’m surprised we all haven’t turned into alcoholics. But hopefully, things will get better. I guess we don’t have to always turn to liquor…..there’s always sex!! Please share my post with others!

  9. Lol, this is quite a character really and truly, I have met some of this kind of people. Those who I feel are at the upper sort of the food chain might go into drugs or something. But I think I might have met a number of this kind of character. I think it would be really good to see you write a story.

    1. Yes this Gus dude is in a class-of-his-own. A real card! As I was creating this character, I was laughing and thinking that this ‘Gus type’ comes out of every certain family members right around holiday time. They come over and head straight to the booze. (They love the holidays). Please share my post with others. 

  10. It’s very interesting to read through this article, I’ve enjoyed every bit of it and I think the character of Gus is a very special one. Living that kind of lifestyle isn’t something I’d love, but he’s presented it in a sweet way that makes it kinda pleasing for him. It’s nice to come across this.

    1. Hey Bruce, I appreciate you dropping by to comment. These types are free wheelers; putting the bottle first & you second. The ‘happy juice’ is their lifeline and would not have it any other way. A lady better know what she’s getting into before committing. ‘Happy Drinking!’ Please share my site with others.

  11. Haha…This made me laugh. I think I am in a constant daily battle to avoid becoming more like Guzzlin Gus. Thankfully I am still winning, but you never know! I like how you brought the character to life by giving us all his likes, dislikes and preferences. Obviously this guy isn’t going to be the ideal choice for any single ladies on the lookout for the perfect date. Although he may be able to teach you a lesson or two about not caring about what other people think.

    If he is to achieve any success with the ladies then he really ought to brush up on his personal hygiene. If he does then he could possibly find himself a suitable mate who enjoys sharing a good old sing song down the boozer. 

    Thanks for sharing Ronald, I will be back to read more.

    1. Ray, Gus and I really appreciate you dropping by and commenting. Have a drink on us! LOL!! Drinking is ol’ Gus favorite past-time. He’ll drink vinegar if nothing else is available. Gus is trying to treat his liver by soothing it with 100 Proof! (Any proof less won’t due!) Ray, Please share my funny post with others! 

  12. I’m kind of surprised you didn’t get lots of comments from forklift drivers, country music stars, Superbowl fans, AA members, drivers of Chevy vans, Tauruses and chubby, buck-toothed women to state that they’re insulted.  Maybe they were too busy laughing!  This was a refreshing and very funny piece.  Thank you!

    1. Happy you enjoyed it. And you’re right Cynthia, when you too busy laughing, you just can’t think about complaining. (Unless they were ‘hitting the jug’, and reading at the same time). LOL. Who knows? Thanks for checking in with me.

  13. Hi.

    Loved the idea of your website, and the post is great. Very funny.

    I believe I have met a few people that fit your description 🙂

    My friend is amazing in matching people together. Not everyone can do this.. I believe it takes a special ability of seeing people underneath what they show you. I guess you have that gift. That’s great.

    Best of luck. Nirit

    1. It seems everyone knows someone like Gus. (He will drink you under the table). I don’t think he’ll ever find a decent woman who’ll put up with his constant guzzling. But as they say, there’s someone for everybody. 

  14. I really enjoyed reading this article, it’s really fun, with a lot of interesting information about Guzzlin’Gus that I didn’t know about. But I wonder why the astrological sign is just a Taurus?
    Yes, we all have some kind of character near us who can be classified as Guzzlin’Gus, in different versions.
    This article was really fun to read now, thanks!
    I wish you all the best

    1. Nina, I’m glad you liked my funny post. I picked Taurus because I thought of a ‘big, drunken bull.’ (It fitted the profile.) Everyone seem to know a ‘Gus type,’ in some form or fashion. Gus can really be your friend, as long as you don’t out drink him! LOL!

  15. Hi Ronald,

    I must say that the topic of the website is brilliant, and the article is super funny and very well written. Certainly, in addition to giving the reader good mood and laughter throughout the article, even you take your dose of smiles as you write. Am I right?

    Although the character Guzzlin ‘Gus is not my type of man at all, I certainly do not meet his standards as an ideal woman. So no match for me.😄

    I will bookmark your website because I definitely want to come back for a dose of laughter. I also signed up for tips on How to select a compatible mate. Keep up the good work.👍

    1. Hi Diana. Thank you for reading and I’m glad you enjoyed it. Yes, I do smile a lot when I create. I always get a good feeling behind it knowing my writings make others happy. Old Gus will one day find true love. Also, thanks for signing on and I’ll send you the link for your free humor book, check your inbox.

  16. I was just having a read at your piost here. Got to say, i found it interesting and pretty funny. Sounds like the stereotypicical profile that would see to fit many of the people who live around my way. The sort of people with absolutely no tastes, views or opinions of their own. Only the reiteration of lemmings

    1. Hey, Kwidzin, “Lushes Unite.” Go to any bar around the hood and you’ll see them all grouped together..’all drunk & happy as a lark.” In their own little drunk world! Every town has them!

  17. Lol. So true article. Everyone knows someone like this. Not interested in developing himself, focused only on beer, TV and his favorite armchair. Homer Simson of real life ; ) If its true love, you need to put lot of work to change him, otherwise just not worth bother… there are so many decent guys around to focus on.

    1. I’m glad you got a good chuckle from Guzzlin/ Gus. He’s one-of-a-kind! People like this help keep the distilleries opened and employees working overtime. Please give my post a ‘like’ 

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