Walking the Straight & Narrow

12 Lessons For Loving

Lesson #3

Every man who’s ever been in a relationship has found himself in the doghouse at one time or another. It’s a cold, dark, and scary place. It’s a place where one is banned to the cold shoulder, the evil eye, and the ‘itchy’ couch. A place where there are no birds & bees…(and once you’re in there, it’s very hard to get out).

“Every miserable, frustrated and angry woman would be more than happy to put your ass there, quicker than a heartbeat!” 

But herein lie the age-old secrets to avoiding the doghouse – and avoiding the wrath of the lady in your life. If you pay close attention to the precepts to follow, you will find yourself armed with the knowledge you’ll need to stay out of the most ominous place in the world.

However, to quote ‘The Matrix,’ we can only show you the door; “it’s up to you to walk through it.” So here are 10 important lesson’s dudes should live by!

GOOD LUCK, MEN.

NEVER USE ANY KIND OF FRUIT TO DESCRIBE THE SHAPE OF HER BODY…

Fruit can be very good for you. Fruit metaphors? Not so much. Pear, apple, melon, cantaloupe…..reach for the wrong image, and you might get that same piece of fruit thrown at your head.

THERE’S NO ‘A’ FOR EFFORT…

Sorry, but if she ask for a cucumber and you come home with a zucchini, You’re In TROUBLE!! “Some kind of vegetable” isn’t enough to keep you above water.

THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A FRIENDLY GAME OF “WHAT CELEBRITY WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH?”…

You really ought to know better, but one or two glasses of wine and there you are, revealing your secret yearning to make out with Kim Kardashian or Angelina Jolie. Innocent enough, right? Next thing you know, a door slams and you’re watching Mr. & Mrs. Smith ‘alone’ on the couch.

DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PLATE UNLESS YOU WANT IT REPLACED BY A BOWL…

Unless the steak she serves you is extra rare with a side of E. coli, it’s best not to criticize her cooking. Remember; before she came along you were probably eating food out of an old Chinese food container in the fridge. “Whatever she’s got cooking, its an upgrade.”

NEVER SIDE WITH YOUR MOTHER OVER HER….UNLESS YOU WANT TO MOVE BACK IN WITH MOM…

True, for the first eighteen years of your life, your mother’s opinion was the one that counted. But now there’s a new sheriff in town. Tell her your mom disagrees with her, and you and your poor mom could get through in the stir.

UNLESS SHE’S SIX INCHES TALL AND WEARS A LITTLE CHEF’S HAT, NEER POKE HER MIDSECTION….

It’s adorable when that playful poke makes the Pillsbury Doughboy go “Hee, Hee.” Try it yourself, at actual size, and the response won’t be quite so sweet.

EVEN IF SHE ASKS FOR DETAILS ABOUT YOUR EX-GIRLFRIENDS, SHE DOESN’T REALLY WANT TO KNOW….

No good ever comes from talking about ex-girlfriends. Bringing them up is like summoning a ghost – ‘once they’re in the room, they’ll haunt you forever. ‘ We recommend telling her you spent most of your life in a seminary before you met.

TAKE A LESSON FROM GOLF: ALWAYS KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN… 

One of the quickest paths in the doghouse is getting caught looking at other women. Even when you think you’re in the clear, you’re not! Women all have that sixth sense.

“When you feel temptation is near, keep your head down and stare at your feet.” If that’s too hard, think about investing in a pair of ‘horse blinders.’

LEARN WHEN A REQUEST IS ACTUALLY A COMMAND IN DISGUISE…

She may ask, “Do you want to come with me to the kids’ play? The school board meeting? To the Smith’s housewarming?” (These sound like requests, but they are not).

NEVER FORGET – EVEN HER FEELINGS HAVE FEELINGS…

Women feel things far more deeply than the rest of us. They can be downright bottomless wells of sensitivity. You may feel pretty happy with yourself for properly diagnosing some feeling you’ve noticed she has.

But don’t get complacent: Whatever it was, you only can bet there are five more coming right behind it.