How To Work On A Relationship | Guide For Those With Active Conflicts
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A Good Managed Relationship Can Run Like A Smooth Train.
…..As Long As Both Parties Are Chugging Down The Same Track!
If you want your relationship to be different, then you have to be different from Day ONE! if the set up is always the same, despite your best intentions what follows will be the same. Change is necessary because if you act the way you have always acted and send the signals you have always sent, the odds are your relationships will always be the same.
The Beginning – The Set Up For A Let Down
As the active partner you will actively choreograph the “pursuit portion” of your relationships. This means you construct the setup, and you select the “operating system” from which all future “programs” in this relationship will run.
You determine the intensity, you chose the style, and you set the pace. Typically you set it up so that you will have control and power. Regardless of how good your intentions are, the potential to abuse this power is enormous.
In the beginning your goal is seduction, be it emotional or physical, and everything you say and do is a means of accomplishing that goal. Typically you place emphasis on information that will get a positive response and withhold or downplay information that might serve as a warning. (Also see, saving your relationship).
You want to be with this new person, and you aren’t considering any ambivalence that might follow. In addition your seduction will be fueled by your fantasies; all of your hopes and dreams are going to be expressed through your words and your action – with no thought to the expectations these may provoke.
Given these feelings, how can you act responsibly? How can you be certain to attend to both sides of your conflict in a way that is fair to both your new partner and yourself? I urge you to follow these guidelines:
Don’t Rush In
You know that when you get yourself in too deep fast, this level of involvement makes you panic when the fantasy lifts. You have to keep reminding yourself of how badly you react when relationships start to get real. You also need to think more about how your behavior is making the other person feel.
Your breakneck pace sets up a whirlwind. If it doesn’t scare your love interest away, it’s so compelling, it can only provide the basis for an enormous fall. Remember, there’s one very simple way out of this: SLOW DOWN. Take your time. Let the intimacy develop gradually. Think before you leap. Avoid breakneck courtships and start evaluating a relationship step by step as it’s developing.
Don’t Give Partners Unrealistic Expectations
You have to understand the weight of your words. Phrases such as “I’ve never met anyone
like you before,” “I’m never this attracted to anyone,” and “I can’t wait for you to meet my sister – the two of you will really get along,” are incredibly seductive.
They evoke a feeling of specialness that encourages your partner to have high expectations as well as placing heavy pressure on you to come through with a commitment.
Sure, romance is fun. But to many people romance means love, and love mean marriage. Watch your words. If you use words that convey caring and the promise of a future, the other person may respond accordingly.
Certain phrases can cause even a first date’s attitude toward you to change totally – sometimes from casual to “overboard” in a single evening.
Don’t Misrepresent Your Romantic History Or Your Romantic Attitude
Don’t make it sound as though your previous relationships ended because your ex-partners were somehow lacking. It’s important that you accept responsibility for your participation and learn as much as you can from it.
Blaming your execs can also deceive your new partner, Someone who likes you is going to want to accept what you say at face value. If you tell someone, “Your different,” he/she wants to believe you.
If you say, “I want this relationship to be different,” or, “I think this relationship can be different,” he/she wants to share that hope.
Don’t convey attitudes without thinking about what you are saying. For example, if you mean “We don’t know each other well enough to have sex, “don’t say, “I would never go to bed with anyone unless I was certain the relationship is going to work out.”
Otherwise the moment you go to bed, your partner is going to assume it means a long-term commitment. Keep in mind that at this stage you have no idea how the relationship will work out. You may want it to be different, but wanting is not enough. Until you are totally sure, avoid implying anything that can confuse your partner about your past or your intentions for the present – or the future.
Don’t Knock Yourself Out Trying To Impress A Potential Partner
When you pull out all the stops to make an impression, your actions are saying, “This relationship is very important to me; I want to make it work.” That may be true right now, but how will you feel in six weeks or six months? Today you are overwhelmingly interested; tomorrow you may just feel overwhelmed.
Everyone has a different method of impressing dates.What are yours? Do you share the most intimate details of your life right away? If you do, your partner can’t help but think you are already clear about your intentions for developing a very sharing and exclusive relationship.
Do you spend excessively on restaurants, gifts, or trips? Do you cook wonderful meals or bring elegant gifts? All of this makes it appear that you’re taking the relationship very seriously, and it puts a lot of pressure on you to keep delivering.
The reality is that you can’t possibly be ready for something this serious this soon. Your behavior needs to reflect this fact. If you have a history of eventually being haunted by everything you gave in the beginning, it’s time to become comfortable with giving less.
No one, who’s interested in you,is going to walk away because you didn’t tell them your deepest, darkest secrets during your first phone call or take them to Paris on your first date.
Don’t Mess With Someone’s Kid; Don’t Mess With Someone’s Life
What most impresses a struggling single parent? Someone who cares about her kids. It
shows that you are a sensitive, caring, and well intentioned man. So you try to include them in your plans. Bring them along. Bring them gifts. Why not? You probably like them – you’re not faking it. It seems harmless enough. But it’s not.
Getting someone’s children involved in the courtship is a powerful sales technique, but it isn’t fair to the kids and isn’t fair to the parent. Involving her children suggests that you must be thinking long-term. The kids start to count on you. But you’re not ready to think long-term.
Right now, you need to be working on this relationship one day at a time. Besides, you know how this kind of pressure makes you feel: trapped. If you’re not absolutely certain that you will be there for these kids way down the road, this level of involvement is totally inappropriate right now.
The dude must keep in mind: You’re NOT a parent or step parent and you’re not their best friend. Later perhaps. But not now. What these children need is someone who is sensitive to their emotional needs and boundaries. This means, for now, you need to keep your distance!