How To Love A Horny Grandma | Profile Of Dirty Ol’ Doris

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How Loving This Old Bird Can Be A Crazy Experience.

 

Guys! When it comes down to loving someone like Dirty ol’ Doris, then my friend, you’ve hit the bottom of the barrel. If you don’t mind the age difference and a woman who loves lots of sex (She’s 88), then this old bird might just be for you.How-to-select-a-compatible-mate

Don’t let her age fool you my friend, ol’ Doris can ‘throw down,’ even much better than others have her age. Doris is an ‘Energizer Battery’ when it comes to sex! She’ll ‘srcew your brains out’ and later suggest you take Viagra if you wanna go for several more rounds. (..it pisses Doris off knowing you can’t keep Mr. Johnson ‘standing at attention’).

Now get ready to meet the hottest, most active old buzzard on planet earth that really know how to love:

Dirty Ol’ Doris

VITAL STATISTICS – Age: 67 and going up fast, Height: 5’2″ to 5’5″, Weight: Flirtatious.

OCCUPATION – This type will most likely be employed as a office manager of some broken down junk yard. You may also find this type running one of the largest distributors of pornographic materials and adult sex toys in the US, Canada, and the UK. (…but not necessarily in that order!)

FAVORITE FOODS – Dining out will consist of old cabbage plants with cesar dressing. A side dish of Muskrat stew and boiled owl heads. For desert, she’ll have a slice of baboon pie topped with wild cherries.how-to-select-a-compatible-mate

FAVORITE DRINKS – Most mornings, especially after a long night of hot sex, she’ll gulp down two large glasses of prune juice to help with bowel movement. The night life will consist of a fifth of Jack & coke, wine coolers and bloody mary.

FAVORITE MUSIC – Ol’ Doris favorite sounds are the ringing up of sales from her world-wide pornographic business (She says, “It’s a horny and freaking world out there and I’m looking to cash in”).

FAVORITE MOVIES/TV SHOWS – The ‘Golden Girls’ are on top of her list. Also, it really fires her up when watching amazing xxx Adult video videos such as, “Debbie Does Dallas,” Naughty Girls from Central High,” and “Don’t Do Me Wrong…Just Do Me.”

FAVORITE SPORTS/HOBBIES – She wants to be a referee or judge at any event which includes young studs flexing their muscles. (She claims she’s the best at rubbing oil.) During football season, she’ll make bets with a couple of her old, wild girlfriends over which team pat the others fanny the most.

TYPE OF CAR – NONE! (Hell, she’s damn near 90, what do you expect?!?)

LAST BOOK – ‘Doggie Style 101’  by the ‘Back-Door Slammers’ from the over ’70’ Club.

TURN ON’s – Young men’s sweaty muscles glistening on the beach, winning a big state lottery to impress young studs and hanging around men’s shower stalls after a game.

TURN OFF’s – Old dudes trying to act young, old dudes always complaining about their aches and pains, folks who keep reminding her of her age, and all dudes who try wearing condoms they know that are way too big.

SECRET FANTASY – To be voted “the hottest senior citizen of the 21st Century.”

ASTROLOGICAL SIGN – Cancer

how-to-select-a-compatible-mate

June 21- CANCER – July 23

PERSONALITY – This old bag knows what she wants in life and goes after it (especially ANY young well-buildt stud!).

Her demeanor toward the opposite sex sometime makes you wonder; if she really cares what’s thought of her. (But really she don’t give a shit!)

She thinks that being in the company of much younger men, make other women think they’re not popular enough. She also doesn’t realize that some of these men she know, only socialize with her because she’s lonely and have money. These men also know that they could get anything their hearts desire by just telling her how sexy she is.

IDEAL MAN – The wild, young liberal type. One who understands her needs and love trying out new positions.

WHERE TO MEET – You could run into sluts like this hanging around any convention in town promoting their large display of sex toys.

GOAL – To invite all hot, horny studs accross America for an all-night sex orgy.

RATING: 3.9…If money and a sense of security is something you feel is important, then maybe this fun-loving ol’ bag is not for you. But keep the age difference in focus. Your buddies might think you’ve cracked up when they spot you and her together. They’ll swear you’re out with your grandma!

Also see: How To Love A Lush

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Did you Like Dirty ol’ Doris? Click here to read “Medicated Medicine Woman” “The Nerd” “The Handyman” “Veterinarian Vera” and more.
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comments

Susan

Ron J Kennedy,

This is the best laugh I have had in a week; you have missed your calling!
You could easily write stand up comedy and be winning awards for it.
The article is not just funny but we all happen to know a woman just like this one in each and every small town across America. Which only makes the post that much funnier.
Thank you so much for this it was the highlight of my day.

Susan

08/20/2018 | 12:47 pm
Reply

    Ronald Kennedy

    Thank you Susan, for your kind comment regarding my post. I love it when I’m told I’ve made someone’s day (especially with all the daily crap you hear on the news that pulls you down.) Yes, I agree that where ever you go, what ever you do, you gonna run across some old horney bag that thinks she’s all that! Very mixed-up person!

    08/21/2018 | 12:28 am
    Reply

Cheryl

Well Ron, I don’t know what to say except for thank you. This really made me laugh out loud and each heading was funnier than the one before. You really cheered me up with this.

You are so correct as well as there are always going to be people like this out and about on the streets and in pubs etc. I just got such a vision of what I thought Ol’ Doris looked like and that made your post even funnier.

I will certainly be back to read more soon.

08/27/2018 | 8:26 am
Reply

    Ronald Kennedy

    Thank you my friend Cheryl, for stopping by and hanging out with me and dirty ol’ Doris. LOL. Yes, like you stated, you’ll find this type in every bar across the usa. They’ll think they’re hot as hell and can lasso any young stud that comes along. They don’t understand, at their age, they need to ‘slow down’, but that’s NO where in sight and No where part of the agenda.

    08/27/2018 | 3:55 pm
    Reply

      Dirty ol' Doris

      You are very welcome and I agree that yes they do need to slow down. You just made me laugh and laugh with this one because it was not at all what I had expected it to be. Thank you.

      08/29/2018 | 5:11 am
      Reply

        Ronald Kennedy

        Thanks Cheryl. I’m Happy you enjoyed it. Plenty of old buck-wild Doris type women who’s out of control still running around seeking love. Mainly it’s the money, liquor, and drugs that keeps her interested in these young studs.

        08/29/2018 | 5:58 am
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Vin

I’m not sure how I landed on this page but this is some funny stuff!! You have some great content.
Ol’ Doris isn’t going out without a bang, no pun intended. But the description you have in your post definitely reflects a lot of women like Doris I have seen around.

08/27/2018 | 10:57 am
Reply

    Ronald Kennedy

    Thank you Vin for reading my post. (See Vin, that accidental page landing gave you the opportunity to view some funny stuff)lol. Ol’ Doris is gonna hang in their as long as she can get young dudes to keep treating her to drinks and they have a pocket full of bucks to spend. These ol’ Doris type do get around and are known everywhere!

    08/27/2018 | 4:07 pm
    Reply

Akoli

Yes, I agree, Ron J Kennedy, that loving this old bird can be a crazy experience. As Susan rightly said, “The article is not just funny but we all happen to know a woman just like this one in each and every small town across America.” Apart from the article being hilariously funny, I have found such grandmas on adult sites. I loved the heading parts. One start thinking of something but then discovers something else. You’re a master of puns! I have never read such a funny blog and I think it can make people’s days, especially if they feel down and out. You certainly made my day, because I was feeling bad for something which happened at home! Thank you!

08/29/2018 | 4:53 pm
Reply

    Ronald Kennedy

    Thank you my friend Akoli, for reading and commenting on this ol’ buzzard. Lol. Doris is rated in a ‘special class’ along with other ol’ bats, who think they’re hot. When I created this character’s image and profile, I thought to myself, “I’m glad my grandma wasn’t like this.” But I know this type exist; Somewhere in the good old USA.

    08/29/2018 | 8:54 pm
    Reply

Jackie

woops, i almost spit my coffee out twice reading this! Very hilarious… ! The best part is, i use to know someone like Dirty Doris… Except she was a waitress at a coffee shop I use to frequent in college and a local legend… and her name was DOT!! (which sounds like it could be a nickname for Doris!!) How could that be? LOL ah, maybe YOU knew her too?

08/31/2018 | 12:06 pm
Reply

    Ronald Kennedy

    No Jackie, I never personally knew Doris, from your college days. LOL. If she was anything like Dirty Ol’ Doris, then she was a ‘real card.’ These old bats love seeking out young studs and doing weird stuff. (They’re in a class by themselves); All Hot, Oiled up and Ready to Go!! Lol

    08/31/2018 | 4:51 pm
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Willem Jim Kulk

Hi Ron. Well I needed a good laugh. No, make that we all need a good laugh, and you’re providing it. I love Dirty Ol Doris. She sounds like my kind of woman, only thing is my aches and pains might put her off. Thanks for the giggles. Jim

09/01/2018 | 3:51 pm
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    Ronald Kennedy

    Yes Willem Jim, Dirty Ol’ Doris don’t want no man with aches and pains, she wants them young and strong. LOL! Glad you got a good laugh from this broken down old bird, who’s too ‘hot to trot.’

    09/06/2018 | 3:16 am
    Reply

Angelina

I found this article really funny. You actually did make a few good points. I needed a real good laugh and this really brought that along. It’s crazy what we see in today’s world. What a humorous spin on real life situations. Grannies are stronger today than ever before. They know how to get down and go wild. What an excellent sense of humor.

09/04/2018 | 7:44 am
Reply

    Ronald Kennedy

    Thank you Angelina my friend. Glad you enjoyed my ‘hot old friend.’lol. Yes, these Doris-types are found in every city around the globe. What they missed out on in their younger years, they sure as hell make up for it later. Like ol’ Doris would say, “Hell, age is only a number. You’re only as old as you feel, so bring on the young studs.”

    09/04/2018 | 11:40 am
    Reply

Bibian

Hey Kennedy!
This is really a creative work.
You did a nice job, though funny. You deserve some accolades.
The write ups is well pictured. If you really enlist among the best creative writer and funny articles, I think I will surely vote for you. Lol.

You really did a nice job here!

09/06/2018 | 4:31 pm
Reply

    Ronald Kennedy

    Thank you my friend. Dirty ol’ Doris has really drawn a lot of attention and praise from its readers. This ol’ bird is here to stay; creating more havoc on her young lovers by introducing them to new sexual ways that are beyond even their imagination.lol. Thanks for reading.

    09/06/2018 | 10:14 pm
    Reply

Dennis

OMG that is funny. And what makes it funnier is I can relate. On several levels. LOL I am a 65 yr old boy toy lol. My older woman is not quite the same as that one but there are a couple similarities. Thanks for the laugh and yes you are forcing me to click links and read more!

09/07/2018 | 9:57 am
Reply

    Ronald Kennedy

    Hi Dennis, Thanks for reading my post. You’re the first one to say you have your own personal ‘Doris’ on your hands. LOL. (Have fun with that!) These types are ‘one of a kind.’ They love sex more than you do! They will wonder why you can’t keep up. Yeah, these old birds are pretty wild & here to stay! Thanks again for checking in.

    09/08/2018 | 4:56 pm
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jake

this is absolutely hilarious , really.
Keep them coming, i will be returning to see what else you have came up with.
You should have had a newspaper collumn 🙂 really really enjoy reading your writing.
I hope dirty old doris gets what she wants….. the sly old fox.
Is this the only kind of comedy work you have written? would love to see more.

09/15/2018 | 1:01 pm
Reply

    Ronald Kennedy

    Hi Jake. I’m glad I was able to ‘tickle your funny bone.’ Really! Dirty ol’ Doris is in a class by herself. All across America you’ll find a dirty Doris as someone friend, neighbor or family member. She will get what she wants; trust me! I enjoy writing this style of ‘Madness’ and been doing it for years. (Love comedy and making people laugh). Jake, you can see more of this style of comedy in my book, “How to Select a Compatible Mate.” Click here: https://www.smashwords.com/boo

    09/16/2018 | 1:35 am
    Reply

Amjad

Interesting article Ronald!

I have noticed that many women and men, as they get older, they start looking for relationships with younger people.

I used to think that these people just love life and want to live it to the fullest. But then, why do they like younger people in particular? Can’t they live life to the fullest with people of their age?

Sometimes I feel like these people actually just want anything that makes them look younger and that’s it. It’s not really about enjoying life.

What do you think about this?

Amjad

09/19/2018 | 5:12 am
Reply

    Ronald Kennedy

    Amjad, I think that older folks just like being around younger mates just because it makes them feel good. They look for someone younger that has energy and like to do stuff. (Hey, there’s some older folks with more energy than younger ones). To me, age don’t me crap! It all depends on the person.

    09/24/2018 | 6:00 pm
    Reply

mapofthat

Not sure what to make of this. Is this an actual online dating profile you came across? I came across your site looking for dating advice. But like I said I’m not sure what to make of this post. This is definitely a strange one, completely out there. Maybe she needs a tinder account.

10/04/2018 | 11:50 pm
Reply

    Ronald Kennedy

    Well Mapofthat, what you experienced was the comedy portion of my site. (You’re right! Maybe Dirty ol’ Doris needs her own dating account.) You came across one of my original characters created just to give readers a good laugh. (Every now and then, we need that!) My friend, go back in and select another site subject based on what you’re looking for, https://lovefolks.com . I have many other articles. Or Mapofthat, just tell me what advice do you seek? I can help you.

    10/05/2018 | 12:27 am
    Reply

Daniel

I must thank you for this article, Ronald. You have made my day. Although it is funny there is a truth. I can say that I know a person of this kind and those people are very funny and what I saw is that they really enjoy in life. Who knows, maybe we will be the same in that years haha. I will come back for sure to read more about this! Thank you once more for this interesting topic.

10/05/2018 | 6:06 am
Reply

    Ronald Kennedy

    Thank you Daniel for getting ‘a kick’ from my article. There are many old buzzards out there; young at heart and horney as hell. Seems everyone who reads this characters profile, seem to know at least one old lady like this. All around the globe, there’s an ol’ Doris ready to bang some young stud!

    10/06/2018 | 5:49 am
    Reply

David

You have just made my day.  After a rubbish morning I really needed a laugh.  I am sat here chuckling away to myself, than my partner in the living room had to come into my office to see what I was giggling at.  My imagination was running wild when reading this, trying to picture someone in my local pub who fits the bill.  I really loved the detailed profile of Dirty Ol Doris.

Thank you for cheering me up today

P.s  Please keep writing articles like this

10/05/2018 | 9:18 am
Reply

    Ronald Kennedy

    Hey David, I plan on writing humor as long as my fingers can punch the keys on my laptop. This is my favorite thing. I love making people laugh. And it makes me feel good that as my reader, you enjoy my work. Whenever, you have a bad day, just read any of my characters and you’ll feel better. (you also can see more in my book).

    10/06/2018 | 6:40 am
    Reply

Rika

Hi Ronald,

I was sitting here with this big frown on my face thinking how the hell I am going fit everything I need to do into this day.  While I contemplated this and messing around on the internet I came across your post.  I just want to say thank you very much for putting a big smile on my face.  If she can do it, I can do it.  Not the s** part, but fitting everything into my day.  I am much younger and going to show Doris how it is really done:))

Thanks for a good laugh and have a great weekend!

10/19/2018 | 2:47 am
Reply

    Ronald Kennedy

    Hi Rika. You Go Girl!! Show ol’ Doris how it’s done. You know Rika, Doris is ‘Hot to Trot’ and she mean business when it comes down to ‘hooking up’ with the young studs out here or whatever town she’s in. (It seems there’s a dirty ol’ Doris in every town!) Thanks Rika for checking in.

    10/19/2018 | 4:06 am
    Reply

Renton

Haha! Brilliant. You dont really see posts like this everyday (trust me i know). Deloris sounds like an absolute gem. Its like someone forgot to tell her how “old people” are supposed to behave! I think that there are actually quirky characters out there which makes this post even more brilliant.

I am sure Deloris believes in the teaching of the wise master Yoda, “Do or do not, there is no try!” 

10/19/2018 | 6:46 am
Reply

    Ronald Kennedy

    Renton, thank you for reading and enjoying my post. Yes I agree that Dirty ol’ Doris is in a ‘class by herself.’ There is a Doris in every trailer park across America, and in someone’s family. (You know who you are out there!) These are the families who have that drunken old auntie or cousin that think she knows everything, and always on the lookout for that next, ‘hot young stud.’

    10/19/2018 | 11:55 pm
    Reply

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