Principle: When the one you want feels completely understood and accepted by you, their ability to resist loving you will go right out the window.
They’ll find themselves falling in love with you in spite of all contrary logic and their best efforts to resist.
One of the most challenging obstacles you will ever encounter in your pursuit of the one you want is their tentative assessment that you can’t handle the truth. They’ll figure it would hurt you too much to tell you straight and simple, for example, that they don’t want you (other than just as a friend).
So, trying to be kind, they’ll look for some other way of the relationship without disclosing their real reasons why.
However, if you allow them to get away with this avoidance of confronting you with the truth, that will actually be the fatal factor and coup de grace to the relationship. You must prove to the one you want that you not only can face the truth, even if it means your being rejected by them, but that you can accept it without being shattered.
The more crucial issue here is not really one of their not loving you, as their not believing you love them.
If they feel that deep down you don’t really understand their doubts and fears, then they must conclude you really don’t know and accept them, as the person they truly are.
If they believe that you would be crushed and embittered towards them if you knew how they really felt about you, then they must conclude that your love for them is shallow and conditional, based upon some fantasy version of the person you merely think they are. In addition, knowing how to improve on yourself is one of the biggest “keys” in life.
Miraculously, though, as soon as you can demonstrate to them that you can not only sense their true feelings, but accept them, even in the face of your own personal rejection, their very doubts and previous objections will become unimportant to them.
When being faced with the realization that, “My goodness! Here’s a person who really cares about me, in spite of myself!,” their other reasons for hesitation towards you will pale in comparison with the prospect of being truly loved for who they are!
And when a person feels truly understood, accepted, and yes, loved, somehow all the other prior concerns which seemed so important to them before suddenly don’t mean so much anymore.
They’ll find themselves falling in love with you, in spite of all the reasons they can think of why they shouldn’t. In the final analysis, after all, love is truly a language of the emotions – not logic!
As you attempt to develop a relationship with someone you want, quite often they will begin to experience doubts about what they are getting into.
They will begin to have a number of extremely logical, personally convincing, secret reasons why the relationship is all wrong and will, in their hesitation to get in any deeper, begin to show distinct signs of resistant behavior towards you.
This will manifest itself in symptoms of moody behavior, guarded and unresponsive communication, disrespect towards you, and finally, outright avoidance of you.
Such behavior needs to be confronted. If the feelings underlying this type of behavior remain buried, they will ultimately destroy the relationship altogether.
But through unselfish and caring confrontation on your part, such resistance may be defused and rendered powerless. Such a method is outlined below. Think of it as a way to show you CARE. Put the C.A.R.E theory to work! Confront, Ask, Reassure,and Empathize.
Confront the person’s uncooperative behavior. “Maybe I’m mistaken, but I sense that something’s wrong…” One of the most exhilarating experiences a person can have in life is the feeling of being understood. We don’t want to have to tell others when we are feeling distraught. We want them to sense it on their own. We want them to read are minds!
What people don’t often realize is that they subconsciously give clues as to what they’re thinking by the way they act. Being sensitive to such unspoken acts and confronting the one you want will go a long way in satisfying their need for understanding.
This, in turn, will eliminate emotional obstacles to their becoming committed to -and loving-you.
Ask for a confirmation or denial of your observations, “Am I reading you right? Is something actually bothering you?…” By informing the one you want of the message that their behavior communicates to you, and then asking for a validation of your interpretation, they will be impelled to come to grips with the actual meaning they intended to convey. “Hmm…I have been acting rather cold and distant…Now, what exactly have I meant by this? What have I been trying to communicate here?”
The important thing is to make the person consciously aware of their own motives in their actions toward you. Indeed, they have already been intimating something all along which, subconsciously, they would like to be able to say to you.
All you’re doing is calling their bluff and inviting them to say what’s on their minds. In order to do that, though, they have to first decide exactly what is on their minds, and if it’s worth mentioning or not.
That requires a little bit of thinking on their part. By inviting them to put their feelings into words, you are forcing them to crystalize their feelings into defined terms that can be dealt with.
Reassure the person of your intention to merely understand (not judge) on the basis of what is admitted, especially if there seems to be a little hesitancy for them to express their feelings.”…Because I’m willing to just listen, if you’re willing to talk. I just care how you feel…”
The biggest reason for breakdowns in communication is the fear of being judged. Human experience has shown that our honest feelings will not always be accepted by others without comment or criticism.
Some encouragement from you will be necessary to assure the other person that they will not be thought less of because of their personal facts or concerns.
Finally, Empathize. Be understanding. Once the person does start to open up a little bit, don’t blow it! Just listen, like you promised you would. Don’t criticize. Don’t try to change the person’s mind or show how their reasoning is wrong.
If you do, you’ll regret it, because it will be a long, long time before the person will ever open up to you again. Let the person proceed at his or her own pace. If you’re not yet too competent at reflective listening. Just to nod your head and say “Mm-mmm…Yes, go on…” But don’t pronounce judgment on what is being said.