Although Divorced, Love Still Can Be Found.
It All Came To An End!
You just can’t believe it has happened! It all comes crashing down. After dealing with courts, lawyers and lots of other paperwork, you now find yourself ‘free at last.’ Maybe not by choice. For 20 years you’ve tried keeping the home together, but things just didn’t go as planned.
You felt you’ve done your part. You also think to yourself, “You’re damn sure glad no children wasn’t involved.” The next time you hope to see the inside of a courtroom and that is to support a friend.
Now that you’re free, you try getting back ‘into the swing of things.’ Friends call, you start hanging out, but you’re a little stiff and out of practice! Three years now have past. How to find love after divorce is at the forefront of your mind.
You start thinking about other couples that break up and afterwards, eventually find a new love interest who makes them happy.
After your few years of freedom, you do admit to yourself that you do miss having ‘that special someone’ in your life.
You know that ‘special’ person is out there, but after what you’ve been through, you sure in hell is not in any rush!
Rough Starting Out
Now here you are! Out in the ‘free world’ thinking, “What the hell do I do now?” Things aren’t the same as they were over 20 years ago. Meeting others still wasn’t that easy though. (You never realized how many crazy ass people there were out here).
But It could’ve been that you still had your ex on your mind.)
Being fresh on the scene, you really tried getting to know different individuals you’d run across, friends having set you up. Blind dates, (Oh boy! You experienced all the channels).
But that same feeling just wasn’t there. There’s a certain feeling that you get when you meet someone, that’s hard to explain.
A feeling only you can understand. Only you can describe. (You got that same feeling when you met your ex for the first time.)
So far those you’ve met are so transparent. The excitement of the single life is starting to wear thin! You now want to meet someone that you can really get into. Someone where you’ll both understand each other. Someone you can feel good about.
You figure three years is enough! You’re exhausted! You kind of miss being married, but don’t want to deal with all the bullshit that usually comes with it.
Jealousy, insecurity, lying, cheating, infidelity is what comes along in an unstable marriage. But as long as you’re with the right person, then these are issues that could be worked out.
Getting A Good Vibe
Communication is ‘key’ in any relationship! This was something you and your ex was lacking. (The only way it seem that you and your ex communicated, was when you were at each other throats.)
Marriage could be a great thing, once two parties are comfortable with each other and enjoy the same interest.
But if you are going in one direction and your spouse in the other, then things in your marriage will never work.
One afternoon, while sitting in your favorite restaurant having lunch, you notice a ‘person who’s interesting’ over at the next table.
You both make eye contact. (You try keeping your anxiousness to a minimum.) You feel this is the break you’ve been waiting for that could change your boring life. No more dealing with the dating scene (At least you hope).
You would really like to get to know this person (Besides eye contact has already been established!) Now you think it’s just a matter of ‘making that move.’
You finally found someone, but still worried about this person ending up being a ‘dud!’ You start thinking to yourself, “I’ve found that special someone I’ve been searching for all my life!”
You’re just ecstatic and thinking, “Boy! I still got it.” Going through different people after your divorce can be exhausting. As any human actions would be after ‘reeling from a divorce’, we all go through rough times meeting the opposite sex (or in some cases, the same sex, but that’s another story).
Nothing Is Guaranteed In Life But Death & Taxes
But regardless of how any relationship turns out after a chance meeting and possible connection, remember NOTHING is guaranteed in life!
All relationships aren’t perfect. You may find yourself drifting apart from one another. This feeling of ‘drifting apart’ seem to only occur when your significant other constantly gives you the 3rd degree every time you leave the house.
Some folks just like putting the pressure on the other, just for the hell of it. (If you end up with an ‘asshole,’ it’s bound to happen).
When you’re on your phone, they want to know who you talking to? Are you dealing with a fearful spouse or partner in your relationship who constantly display bouts of jealousy and insecurity?
If so, I recommend that you face the issue and deal with it as soon as possible by undertaking these task:
Task #1 – Identify the source of the situation
There was an interview conducted between couples to help them identify any possible behavior that might justify this type of attitude. Just getting started is a big issue. An issue that can get well out of hand if not contained.
The question was addressed to the accuser; “Do you have a reason for displaying this type of action? If so, what are those reasons?”
Many times the answer was always the same; one partner has violated the others trust. And if violations of trust have occurred, the suspecting person has a tendency to wonder, “Is he or she being truthful? Is he or she being straightforward with me?” Once burned, twice careful.
This situation means that the couple does, in fact, have issues to work through. A deeper dialogue may be important – perhaps with a therapist or a pastoral counselor present as a guide.
Depending on how far out the couple is in regards to restoring calm within the relationship, a professional person still may have a hard time getting a handle on things.
Without some type of guidance when problems brew, your relationship will surely suffer.
Once you identify the sources of your miss-trust, you have to move into new territory: the territory of trust. Remember, this is No dating game. This is some serious shit!
For the person who is the object of miss-trust, this means making sure that you never give your partner a new reason to be worried. You have to “walk the straight and narrow path” to reestablish trust.
For the miss-trusting person, the goal is to realize how much harm he or she is doing to the relationship by being so worried. Even though you’ve entered a relationship that is exclusive, you both still need a certain amount of freedom – a certain amount of room to grow and to develop and to be yourself.
Task #2 – Grasp the damage that ‘non-trust’ can do
If you are coping with this suspicious behavior, you need to grasp as soon as possible that this emotion will damage your relationship in the long term. Non-trust can’t do any good for the relationship. It can even effect you mentally.
You’re dealing with a ‘demon’ – what Shakespeare called “the green-eyed monster.” This monster will destroy relationships every single time!
This monster can attack and even devour your whole relationship if you allow it to. So if you don’t deal with it head-on, this ‘green-eyed monster’ can ultimately ruin what you and your partner are trying to build together. (Going down the same track together, is a better way to put it.)
Do you realize that this attitude demonstrates that you don’t have a very mature relationship? A relationship that can become ‘unraveled’ in no time and ‘more rocky’ as time goes on.
Because when you have a mature relationship, there’s a sense of freedom, of trust, of willingness to let the other person be.
Let your spouse develop. Otherwise, you’re clinging to a rather adolescent attitude.
Here’s another important question that you should ask yourself: Does the person you’ve married belong to you as a thing you own? Or is he or she a gift you’ve received?
Your husband or wife is autonomous – a separate person. If you perceive the other person as a thing – an object you own – it’s not only a false assumption, it also suffocates the other person.
Think back to a time when you dealt with someone you deemed no good, and expressed how you felt to that person. Now answer these questions about what resulted from that situation:
- How did your partner or spouse react?
- What was the outcome of the situation?
- Looking back now, did you have cause for the miss-trust?
- What were the circumstances?
- Can you see now how you might have misinterpreted the situation?
- Did your expression of insecurity strengthen your relationship-or weaken it?
- Did your expression of miss-trust deepen communication between you and your partner – or make it more likely that he or she would hold back from you?
As you think over the answers to these questions, I think you’ll probably agree that your expression of jealousy probably had the opposite effect from what you may intended or desired. Instead of fostering closeness, it probably became a wedge that drove you and your spouse apart.
Instead of encouraging your partner to confide in you, it probably prompted him or her to hold back from you. Not trusting isn’t a force that strengthens a couple’s relationship. On the contrary, it’s often a “solvent” that loosens the ties between the partners.
Task #3 – Learn to deal with jealousy
Next, you need to face this problem head-on and deal with it. This task involves two separate actions – one for the worried and concerned partner or spouse, another for the person that is the object of miss-trust.
If you are the worried or concerned spouse…Next time you feel that green-eyed monster rear its ugly head, stop and ask yourself the following questions:
- Why am I feeling this way? What am I afraid of?
- Has my partner given me a reason to fear this?
- Could there be another explanation for his/her behavior?
- Are there ways I can cope with my uncertainties that are better than subjecting my partner to my worries and concerns?
Answering these questions will help you widen the scope of your insights so that you don’t fall into habitual accusing. Unless it’s just in your blood, and this is some ‘form of entertainment’ for you; making others life miserable.
If you’re dealing with an accusing person… ask yourself these questions the next time you’re confronted with a series of concerned questions from your spouse or partner.
- Why would my spouse feel this way? What is he/she afraid of?
- Did I do anything to contribute to this fear?
- What can I do to ease this fear in the future?
- Are there ways we can discuss the situation so that we can diminish the risk of my partner’s habitual ‘drilling ‘ me.
Task#4 – Consider the possibility that accusing is part of a bigger problem
Sometime insecurities can be part of what’s called obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). This disorder can be a serious mental health problem – a disorder in which obsessive thoughts and/or compulsive behaviors plague you.
An example of this would be a husband who can’t stop obsessing over his wife or partner’s whereabouts and activities, or whose compulsively tracks her movements, phone calls, or e-mail. No one wants a ‘a non-trusting partner or spouse.‘
Think about how many times you saw on your local news station or read a news feed on your cell phone about a guy getting suspicious of his woman cheating?
She may not be. She may clearly be innocent.
But this dude has built up images in his mind of his lady with another guy. He mentally goes off ‘the deep end’ and takes his woman’s life. (Some even go as far as to take the children’s life as well.)
I just heard a story like this recently, on my local news station. I feel so bad and angry too when children are involved.
Now with early intervention, that situation may not ever have gotten to that point. His mental health could have been evaluated way ahead of time; thus avoiding disaster. So sad!
Sometimes OCD is the result of personal trauma in the past. There may also be a biochemical aspect to the disorder.
If you believe that you (or your spouse) may be suffering from OCD, I urge you to seek professional mental health counseling. This disorder isn’t a situation that should cause you feelings of shame; it’s a genuine health problems, not a moral failing.
It isn’t your fault. But it is a situation that you can’t ignore, and you must address it as soon as possible.
Speak with your physician or call a referral service to find a mental health professional, or else raise the issue with your pastor.
“Remember, help for your significant other is right around the corner.”
Long dark brown hair. Sexy exotic eyes. Nice ruby red lips. Magnificent body! Then just like that,…WHAM!! Alarm clock goes off. Time to go to work! (I got to stop watching that damn porn before bedtime!)LOL.
I emerged from that deep dream state with a smile on my face. Shit felt so real!
Sexual Orientation Should Not Matter
Regardless, when it boils down to relationships, I always say no matter if it’s man and woman or same sex couple, it doesn’t matter! Love is Love…no matter how you look at it! There’s someone for everybody!
One of the biggest self-improvements that I’ve made in my life is finally selecting the right mate.
The woman that would eventually become my wife!
Since I found the right woman and started building a relationship in regards to this growing process, I had to know to keep the peace within the home.
Having now someone I’m compatible with eases all pain of loneliness, and replaces it with joy and happiness.
Never Turn Down Positive Guidance In Your Life:
Follow these guidelines: Don’t Rush In You know that when you get yourself in too deep fast, this level of involvement makes you panic when the fantasy lifts.
You have to keep reminding yourself of how badly you react when relationships start to get real. Now-a-day, sex doesn’t matter.
Same sex couples have the right to be in love to, just like anyone else.
You also need to think more about how your behavior is making the other person feel.
Your breakneck pace sets up a whirlwind. If it doesn’t scare your love interest away, it’s so compelling; it can only provide the basis for an enormous fall.
As a man, it’s always in your favor to try staying on her good side. You figure keeping the peace at home, for as long as you can will cause less problems.
Remember, there’s one very simple way out of this: SLOW DOWN. Take your time. Let the intimacy develop gradually.
Think before you leap. Avoid breakneck courtships and start evaluating a relationship step by step as it’s developing.
Trying to find folks ‘on the re-bound’ only means being with someone who can fill the void after they have being dumped! Sometimes hooking up way too quickly is not good!
Time must be taken out to know him or her. The only thing on your mind is being lonely again! But let’s face it, it’s more than just a lonely thing. You get a little horny as well! This is your brain on sex and really, at the moment, that’s all that’s important!
Careful consideration must be in order, when selecting that perfect mate. Certain expectations must be met. (Just don’t get too picky. No one’s perfect.
The process of finding someone who’s nice and maybe a little interesting, can become a big task but is very doable. Doable….and fun!!
Don’t Give Partners Unrealistic Expectations
Hopeful Couple Wondering If They Have A Future: You have to understand the weight of your words. Words are important and how you use them.
Phrases such as “I’ve never met anyone like you before,” “I’m never this attracted to anyone,” and “I can’t wait for you to meet my sister – the two of you will really get along,” are incredibly seductive.
They evoke a feeling of specialty that encourages your partner to have high expectations as well as placing heavy pressure on you to come through with a commitment. Sure, romance is fun.
But to many people romance means love, and love mean marriage. Watch your words.
If you use words that convey caring and the promise of a future, the other person may respond accordingly.
Certain phrases can cause even a first date’s attitude toward you to change totally – sometimes from casual to “overboard” in a single evening.
Don’t Make Things Worse For Yourself
Don’t Misrepresent Your Romantic History Or Your Romantic Attitude Don’t make it sound as though your previous relationships ended because your ex-partners were somehow lacking.
It’s important that you accept responsibility for your participation and learn as much as you can from it. Blaming your execs can also deceive your new partner, Someone who likes you is going to want to accept what you say at face value.
If you tell someone, “Your different,” he/she wants to believe you. If you say, “I want this relationship to be different,” or, “I think this relationship can be different,” he/she wants to share that hope.
Don’t convey attitudes without thinking about what you are saying. For example, if you mean “We don’t know each other well enough to have sex, “don’t say, “I would never go to bed with anyone unless I was certain the relationship is going to work out.”
Otherwise the moment you go to bed, your partner is going to assume it means a long-term commitment. Keep in mind that at this stage you have no idea how the relationship will work out. You may want it to be different, but wanting is not enough.
Just Try Keeping Your Act Together
Until you are totally sure, avoid implying anything that can confuse your partner about your past or your intentions for the present – or the future.
Don’t Knock Yourself Out Trying To Impress A Potential Partner When you pull out all the stops to make an impression, your actions are saying,
“This relationship is very important to me; I want to make it work.”
That may be true right now, but how will you feel in six weeks or six months?
Today you are overwhelmingly interested; tomorrow you may just feel overwhelmed. Everyone has a different method of impressing dates. What are yours? Do you share the most intimate details of your life right away?
If you do, your partner can’t help but think you are already clear about your intentions for developing a very sharing and exclusive relationship. Do you spend excessively on restaurants, gifts, or trips? Do you cook wonderful meals or bring elegant gifts?
All of this makes it appear that you’re taking the relationship very seriously, and it puts a lot of pressure on you to keep delivering. The reality is that you can’t possibly be ready for something this serious this soon.
Your behavior needs to reflect this fact. If you have a history of eventually being haunted by everything you gave in the beginning, it’s time to become comfortable with giving less.
No one, who’s interested in you is going to walk away because you didn’t tell them your deepest, darkest secrets during your first phone call or take them to Paris on your first date.
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Ron’s final thought on the reality of love!