How To Deal With Suffering | Seven Important Steps For Married Couples

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MAKING THE RIGHT MOVES

Because every marriage or relationship between a man and woman or their partner will encounter crises, it’s crucial for you to understand how to handle the burdens of stress, uncertainty, and pain.

No brief summary can cover this complex subject in all its subtlety; however, here are seven important steps that will help you weather the storm:

Step 1: TALK ABOUT WHAT’S HAPPENING

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When facing hard times, many husbands and wives tend to withdraw from each other rather than seeking support and solace from each other.

 

Husbands, especially, may fall silent and “hunker down” alone.

This reaction  is understandable in some respects: you may feel so overwhelmed during a crises that you try to conserve your emotional energy as you deal with the situation.

Also, many emotions are difficult to express at such times, such as when coping and suffering with job loss or the illness of a family member.

A better approach: keep talking about the situation you face. Share your frustrations, anguish, and worries. Strategize and plan together on how to solve the problems in your mind.

An ongoing conversation about your crisis won’t be easy or fun – in fact, you may find it emotionally wrenching – but taking this route is far better for both of you.

Step 2: STAY ON THE TEAM

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This steps build on Step 1. If you can keep your communication channels open, you have a better chance of staying together together as you face the crisis. By doing so, you gain two great advantages.

First, you give yourself a better chance to strategize about the situation and plan your responses. You’re far stronger as a team than each of you would be on your own. You’ll come up with more (and better) ideas about how no proceed.

You’ll also present a united, more persuasive “front” when dealing with the world (such as in coping with doctors, lawyers, institutions, or whomever else you have to face).

Second, you’ll have a better chance of staying close as a couple. As a man, you always want to know how to stay on her good side.

Crises of every sort are stressful, and stress often serves as a wedge between the spouses. The divorce rate for couples following the death of a child, for instance, is high.

Working hard to stay in touch with each other -through verbal communications and emotional support-is crucial and will pay off in the long run. I urge you to do whatever you can to maintain a sense of mutual emotional support.

Sign#3: AVOID VENTING PAIN AND ANGER AGAINST EACH OTHER

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It’s common that when facing a crisis, husbands and wives will vent their frustrations against each other as a “safety valve.”

If you have a sick child, for example, you’re more likely to express your anguish against your spouse rather than against the doctors and nurses at the hospital.

 

This is understandable but still problematic. Still, I strongly urge you both not to use each other as scapegoats during a stressful time.

Talking over the situation honestly and openly will help you avoid resorting to demoralizing martial warfare.

What should you do if your spouse vents his or her anger against you anyway?

That depends on the specifics of what’s happening. Physical abuse is unacceptable under all circumstances. If you feel you’re in danger of spousal abuse.

Don’t put yourself in danger. If, on the other hand, the abuse is verbal, you face a more complex situation.

Verbal abuse, too, is unacceptable, but it may be more understandable during an acute crises.

My recommendation is, again, to find external support-a pastoral counselor or a psychotherapist-who can help you and your spouse deal with this stressful situation.

Step#4: GIVE EACH OTHER TIME ALONE

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Just as you should try to provide support to your spouse, you need to know when to back off. Crises are often so depleting that each member of a couple will need a chance to recuperate from the physical and emotional demands of coping.

Yes, communicating and standing together is important. But so is having time alone. Almost everyone needs a measure of solitude to rest, reflect on the situation, and generally “recharge.”

This is especially true if you’re facing a protracted crisis, such as a family member’s illness, recovery from an accident, or rehabilitation from an addiction.

My recommendation: don’t be offended if your spouse needs to pull back now and then and seek solitude. It’s part of the normal human coping mechanism. Grant yourself this same opportunity. Each of you-and your marriage as a whole-will benefit.

Step#5: KNOW WHEN YOU CAN FIX THINGS

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…and when you can’t! I’m all for pushing hard when doing so will make a difference. There will be times, however, when you can’t solve the problem facing you. There are times when you can’t make everything better.

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If your spouse’s mother dies, for instance, you can’t undo the death.

You can’t even take away the burden of grief that your spouse is feeling. You just can’t fix the situation.

What you should do at such times? First and foremost, you need to accept that there are some events in life that are beyond our control.

Some problems are too big for us to fix. We’re only human. If you can accept the limits that are part of being human, you’ll take off some of the pressure you’ll feel otherwise. The result is-perhaps oddly-liberating.

Once you accept your inability to solve the problem, you’re free to do more fully what is within your power as a husband or as a wife; to offer your spouse love and support.

Step#6: GET HELP

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One of the most common mistakes that couples make during a crises is to try to deal with the situation on their own. I regard this approach as unfortunate for several reasons.

First of all, many issues are too complex to resolve alone. Second, flying solo risks increasing the stress you feel, which can lead to psychological problems such as depression and anxiety, or even to physical health problems.

Third, it’s just not necessary to carry these burdens on your own shoulders. A wealth of resources is available for almost any health – or mental health-related challenge you may be facing.

For instance, almost every major illness in existence-from Alzheimer’s disease to Zollinger-Ellison syndrome-has prompted someone to set up a foundation, research center, or support group to help people deal with it.

Step#7: BE STRONG FOR EACH OTHER

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Finally, regardless of sexual preference, I urge you to stay loyal to each other and see each other through the crises. This

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is easier said than done, I know. But in addition to offering so many other benefits, one of the extraordinary gifts that marriage provides is the possibility of offering a safe haven in the middle  the storm.

If you and your spouse can stay steady with each other, you will be granting each other support and solace of a sort that almost nothing else in life can provide.

This isn’t something that just happens. Loyalty and supportiveness require active choice. I urge you to make that choice.

 

So what do you think? Did you enjoy this article? If so, please share it on your social media page.

 

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Editor’s Note: This post was originally published on June 28, 2017 and has been completely revamped and updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.

comments

CDove

Really like this site It’s about something that everyone will deal with in there lifetime. And I think you have touch all of the bases from your feeling to emerging adulthood. I think the content is great and the images are amazing you even have videos.

You have links to your other pages and links to your money site. I hope when my site is done it’s as thorough as yours.

Keep up the great work never give up.

06/10/2017 | 9:50 am
Reply

    Ronald Kennedy

    Hi CDove and thank you for checking in. When it comes down to men, women, love and marriage, it’s a never ending cycle in regards to finding the proper mate. When folks get married, they want it to be forever. Some marriages may last, some don’t. 

    As far as my other webpages goes, I try to stay relevant and provide as much information as I can to my readers, who’s seeking information on this subject. As far as the construction of my site, always remember, it takes good content, and images to produce a good site.

    Maybe one day, I’ll view you website and subject matter. Although I requested comments on this page but you provided feedback, I’ll accept it this one time. It’s all good (maybe it’s because I met someone on Memorial Day weekend I really feel good about, so not to much can rattle me. She’s a sweetheart!).

    So thank you CDove for stopping by and have a great day.

    06/11/2017 | 2:13 am
    Reply

Dave

I have to agree with you.

It may be very hard for people, especially men to want to discuss with their wives about the difficult situations they are facing.

Personally I have this problem.

I have grown up knowing that a man has to be strong and keep all the pain he’s facing to himself. I have been hardened.

But I see my wife struggling to want to be part of my life and pain and she feels bad when I don’t let her.

How can I really open up to her. I don’t think I ever can with the way I am. Can you help me open up please?

06/10/2017 | 10:22 am
Reply

    Ronald Kennedy

    Thank you Dave for checking in. I’m glad I pointed out some key sections that you could relate to. I always say that in any couple’s situation, communication among each other tops the list. For some reason, men don’t want to open up the way they should and I guess that’s why we stay in trouble with our women.

    You stated Dave that you’re going through some changes in your relationship. You didn’t say how long married, so I’ll assume you and your wife have been together for sometime. You know Dave, no marriage is perfect, but when situation’s arises, you must take time out as a couple, sit down and discuss what caused the problem and how to tackle it.

    Now what I’ve concluded is that the reason you can’t open up to your wife is that you lack confidence Dave. Regardless weather you are just dating or in a marriage, confidence will keep you going strong, with your head held high and ready to tackle any situation. But to help you get there Dave, follow just what I tell you. Go to this link and follow the information provided. Do exactly like it says. DON’T SKIP ANYTHING! This site has helped many others boost their confidence. Here’s the link: Dave, give the techniques & steps time to work and let me know how it goes. Good luck to you.

    06/11/2017 | 2:51 am
    Reply

Kanza

Some amazing tips here I must say!
The way you have written it is absolutely beautiful.
it is true that when an argument occurs we tend to get angry and not speak with each other. but that doesn’t solve the problem. Both parties need to be heard and then understood.Communication is the key to a successful relationship.

07/01/2017 | 2:40 am
Reply

    Ronald Kennedy

    I hear you Kanza, loud and clear. Thank you for the complement and for seeing some value in my post. I try to convey as much info into my articles as possible. It’s funny how a relationship between man and woman, or same-sex partner could start off wonderful, then down the road, turn sour.

    When couples don’t communicate any unresolved issues, things can go south rather quickly. Arguments, during any relationship, is unavoidable. Shit happens! (excuse my French). But there are, I know, many good times throughout most relationships.  (all can’t be bad).

    Arguing among one another, then going a long time without speaking is definitely not healthy for any relationship. The main issues, those that caused the problem in the first pace, are still brewing on the back burners.They ain’t going nowhere! Communication is ‘Key’.

    Thank you Kanza for checking in. Let me know if I could help you with anything else.

    07/01/2017 | 11:25 am
    Reply

Liz

There are some good tips here where all of them ring very true! I feel whenever my partner and I are going through a rough patch I try and reign in my own energy and do as much as I can do to first make myself feel as happy and centred as I can without relying on him to do something or say something that would change the situation. A lot of conflict can happen when the two individuals in a relationship are not taking care of themselves well enough and then the stress can build. So, first of all, I check in with where I am at in my every day life. Then, if things are still not good after that, I usually sleep on it and revisit it in the morning because sometimes a good night sleep is all that is needed. Then, if things are still not good, that is when I will open the lines of communication, and if that doesn’t work, then I will seek outside help.

11/02/2018 | 1:26 am
Reply

    Ronald Kennedy

    Hi Liz, thanks for checking back again. When one partner is suffering within a relationship, then that’s the time when some good communication and understanding comes into place. It seems like you have your ‘game plan’ in order in case anything goes ‘haywire.’ Good for you. Liz, please share my article with others in your downline.

    11/03/2018 | 3:27 am
    Reply

Netta

Ron, this was an insightful post about the dynamics of facing the hard times together as a couple.  My late husband and I were together for 27 years before his death.  Like every other long-time couple, we found that we could face the hard times together best when we reached out to each other and shared our feelings honestly and with love.  It helped each of us stand strong together.  

Giving each other the space we needed to process grief and heartache helped each of us develop the individual strength that we could then use to face the hard together, but we had to always be careful to remember to remind the other one that we were still there for them even when we needed to be alone.

Thanks for the post.

11/02/2018 | 1:38 am
Reply

    Ronald Kennedy

    Netta, like in any relationship, they’ll be ‘good times and bad times. Sorry about your husband. (I lost my wife after 37 years of marriage). Things can get rough! Couples engaging on the same page can get through any situation with good communication on regular basis. The stress levels will be cut down ‘big time,’ and more peace will be restored within the household.

    11/03/2018 | 3:46 am
    Reply

Emmanuel Buysse

Great post and good info.

Luckily my wife and me understand each other very well, we know what the other needs, also when we need to talk, we do it.

But we know we are a rare couple, nowadays even when you’re married, many couples simply don’t talk anymore, or they simply don’t care about what the other has to say, or they are to busy with their phones, which we saw it already many times.

It is very easy to understand each other, but the communication is the key, many fail in it.

I will share your post because people need to realize all the points what you said.

Thanks for sharing it with us!

11/02/2018 | 1:53 am
Reply

    Ronald Kennedy

    I agree Emmanual and I can’t speak enough about the importance of good long-term communication.This is the ‘glue’ that holds most relationships together. Without it, problems start to develop and folks break up. (some couples shouldn’t have been together in the first place). They say ‘love conquers all.’ but sometimes I wonder…

    11/03/2018 | 4:26 am
    Reply

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