Dating and Relationships, Making Commitments That Count

Making Commitments That Count | Understanding The 11 ‘KNOWS’


Saying What You Mean…And Meaning What You Say!

Making A Commitment From The Heart – No Better Way To Start!

Commitment is not a simple process. In recent post, we’ve touched on your feelings, behavior, choices, and fears. Most of all we’ve talked about conflict. But there is on thing we haven’t yet talked about, and that is how to go about establishing and sustaining a genuinely committed relationship.

That’s what we want to do here. We would like to start out by saying that we don’t believe it’s simple or easy. (I haven’t found it simple in my life and I don’t expect to find it simple in yours).

However, if you’re tired of always sitting on the edge of the pool, envying those who have had the courage to dive in and lead committed lives, there is a way to learn to take the plunge and swim in this intimidating body of water.

The First Step: Acknowledge Your Conflicts And Make A Commitment To Managing Them

Partners in love

Before you can do anything else, you have stop kidding yourself and stop trying to kid everyone else. Stop looking for excuses – either for yourself or for your partners. Whether you are always ambivalent or you always find yourself in relationships with ambivalent partners, recognize that you have issues that need to be resolved.

In life, there are always reasons why commitments haven’t been made or shouldn’t be made. For example, if someone is twenty-two and has only dated a few people, it’s appropriate to be unsure.

But at a certain point you need to acknowledge those relionalizations that keep you stuck. When you start facing the ways in which commitment fears control what you do, you begin to reduce the power of those ‘commitment phobia’ fears which have you up all night.

You may never feel one hundred percent certain about any realistic and appropriate choices, romantic or otherwise. There is only one solution to this dilemma: Instead of trying to find a relationship in which you have no ambivalence, commit yourself to managing it and constructing your life in such a way that you control this ambivalence, rather than letting it control you.


Know Your Pattern

Know yourself and recognize how you behave. For example:

  • Know whether you have an active or a passive pattern
  • Know the ways in which you make inappropriate or unrealistic commitments
  • Know the point in any relationship at which you are most likely to panic and run
  • Know the ways in which you scare yourself by moving ahead too quickly
  • Know the ways in which you set up expectations that will ultimately make you want to bolt and run away.
  • Know your commitment fantasies
  • Know the ways in which you respond to someone else’s fantasies
  • Know the ways in which your response is so immediate and so intense that it might make a potential mate feel trapped
  • Know the ways in which you distance partners by constructing boundaries
  • Know the ways in which you fail to erect reasonable boundaries
  • Know the ways in which your ambivalence is acted out in the non romantic areas of your life

Recognize Your Fears And Know How You Act When You Are Afraid

Commitment Phobia is about fear. Fear of being stuck, trapped, or tied down; fear of losing options; fear of losing freedom; fear of losing control; fear of dependency; fear of being bored; fear of leading an ordinary life; fear of making a mistake or repeating mistakes (yours or someone else’s).

You need to be very specific in examining precisely what it is you don’t want in a relationship and then look at how these fears can cause you to choose badly or behave badly.

Here’s a good way to do this: Starting with parents and other relatives, think about all the people you know in long-term relationships. Make a list of what it is about these relationships that makes you uncomfortable and that you don’t want to duplicate in your own life.

Then think about all the people you know who have lives or jobs that you consider settled but dreary. Make a list of everything you consider negative or stultifying about their lives.

Then think about how these “fears” might be determining your patterns and behavior. Have any of your less-fortunate choices been extreme reactions to some of your fears?

We realize that there are many more complicated issues that can be reinforcing commitment conflicts, including fundamental fears of abandonment and intimacy that have their source in early childhood. These are obviously best managed with the help and support of a professional in a therapeutic situation. Be prepared to take those steps if necessary.

Look At The Narcissistic Elements Of All Your Choices

All too often the narcissistic voices in our heads lead us to make choices that reflect fantasy images of ourselves, but not who we really are. We live in homes we can’t afford, but cars we can’t maintain, we find partners who make us look good but are not necessarily good for us.

If there is a strong narcissistic voice in your head, you are walking on eggshells all the time. Prisoners of the need to be perfect are always searching for the perfect passion, the perfect career, the perfect car, the perfect VCR, and the perfect dog.

If you are relentlessly judging, criticizing, labeling, and typing, you may assume that everyone is doing the same to you. Always anticipating being scrutinized by the world, you give these feelings top priority. Your real needs are lost. You can’t make choices just for you.

If you want to liberate yourself from the prison of perfection, you must find the origin of the judgemental voices inside your head and start replacing them with self-acceptance.

Try to become comfortable with the concept of “good enough.” You need to see yourself as good enough right now, and you need to see your choices as good enough. There is no such thing as perfect; it’s a word we can all learn to live without.

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Dating and Relationships, Making Commitments That Count

    A Strong Character Builds Up Concrete Self-Esteem.


A Good Strong Character Is Key Towards  Relationship Success.

So you want to win the one you want. That’s fine! Primarily, that’s what we target. But what we target is not always what we get. Understand that a relationship does not simply involve the other person. You’re involved too (good thinking)! Why is this so important?

Well, if you have problems, the relationship will have problems. You must place more focus on interpersonal relationship character building. You know the saying, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” Sure, it’s important that you select a partner who provides a strong link, but it is just as important for you to be a strong link as well. You should bring the best possible person you can to the relationship.


In trying to get the one you want to fall in love with you, you must remove as many potential obstacles as you can. For example, the one you want may desire somebody who is good-looking, has a lot of money, or has a certain kind of education. These can be potential obstacles.

Regardless of whether or not you can satisfy those “demands,” being of good character is paramount. Character can ‘win out’ over superficial qualities. It may just be harder and may take a little longer to win. But first and foremost, the most important matter should be placed on saving your relationship.

Character can actually overcome the necessity of having a good visual appearance. However, because human beings tend to judge others initially on physical appearance, this can create another obstacles you may have to overcome with your character.

To get a good jump on things, here are four important love tactics that you should follow:

Love Tactic #1…Make The Most Of Yourself

Every person is an embryonic God within him/herself. When people go into therapy, they explore their deeper subconscious thoughts and are able to find the divinity within themselves. They discover that there is good within every person. So the more time you take to honestly evaluate your strengths, as well as your weaknesses, the better you’ll feel about yourself.

Even if you’re afraid that your core is negative, don’t despair. We promise you that it is not. The deeper you go within yourself, the more positive qualities you’ll find. This will reinforce your self-esteem, which will reflect in your appearance and come across in your character. Others will notice.

Your feeling of positive self-esteem will attract others to you. People want others to lean on, and they are more inclined to lean on those who feel good about themselves. The more time you spend on introspection, the more vibrant and desirable you’ll be.

Love Tactic #2…Inventory Your Strengths

It’s time you get to know more about yourself. Take a piece of paper and write down your strengths and weaknesses. Begin with your strengths. Include things that you’ve accomplished, ways in which you feel good about yourself, and things that that are potentially good about you.

If you have a problem, something that you can change and make better, include it. It’s helpful to know your negatives and realize that you’re not locked into them. You may not be able to change everything, but just coming face to face with your own limitations is, paradoxically, a strength in itself.

It’s not so much what you have, but how you face what you have and what you are that makes you a strong person.

You may want to divide your list into categories. Include physical appearance, intelligence, personality, vocational qualities, social qualities, and so on. By looking at the categories, it will probably be easier for you to figure out what your strong points are, as well as weaknesses that you may want to improve.

As you feel more confident and become more aware of your strengths, you will be better able to use these strengths to gain the respect and desire of the one you want. Part of this evaluation process is to determine the factors that make you unique.

Each and every person has special qualities that help make them more desirable to others. By pinpointing these strengths clearly, you will be in a better position to attract the one you want.

Modesty is a virtue when when trying to present yourself to somebody else. But modesty is not a virtue when trying to evaluate your own strong points. Be as clear as you can be in knowing your good qualities.

Do not restrict yourself from correct self-analysis by being concerned about being too modest. Remember, this is important information that you’re not going to be sharing with anybody else. Run with it!

Love Tactic #3…Be Real

The more real you are as a person, the easier it is for others to relate to you and become emotionally attached to you. Being real means being honest about your frailties and weakness. (Although we’re not suggesting that you go trumpeting them through the streets!)

Get to know the real you! You are a wonderful human being. Concentrate on that, The real person within you is always easy for others to love. That’s where the expression “To know me is to love me” came from. The more a person gets to know the real you, the more he/she will feel attracted to you.

But this self-analysis may be hard for you. What can you do? Focus on the real strengths that you possess (and everyone has real strengths). Next, explore those areas that you’d really like to improve, and determine strategies for doing so. You’ll start feeling better almost instantly.

In fact, you won’t even have to accomplish all of your goals to feel like a better, more lovable person. You’ll begin feeling this way as soon as you start getting a grip on your life! Really!

Love Tactic #4…Believe In Yourself

As a human being, you have undreamed of power. The tale is told by the Hindus of how, in the beginning of the world, men shared godhood with Brahma and the other gods. However, man became lifted up in pride and Brahma  decided to take man’s godhood away.

Brahma consulted with the lesser gods and asked where to put godhood so it would be safely out of man’s reach. “Let us put it on top of the highest mountain,” some suggested, “then man would have a most difficult time redeeming it!”

“No,” said Brahma, “someday man will climb even the highest of mountains. That isn’t good enough.” “Let us put it at the bottom of the deepest oceans,” others suggested.

“No,” said Brahma, “eventually man will someday redeem his godhood if we put it there.” Brahma went on, “There is only one place to put godhood, and that is deep within himself. It is the last place he will ever think to look, and only when he finally comes to that realization will it then be fitting for him to have it back!”

What’s the point of this little story? YOU HAVE GREAT POWER WITHIN. If only you can believe in yourself. The only thing that will prevent you from accomplishing things is your own unwillingness to trust your power.

Like Dorothy’s lesson in The Wizard of Oz, you really don’t have to look further than your own backyard to find the essentials necessary for a happy life.

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