All relationships aren’t perfect. You may find yourself drifting apart from one another. This feeling of ‘drifting apart’ seem to only occur when your significant other constantly gives you the 3rd degree every time you leave the house. When you’re on your phone, they want to know who you talking to? Are you dealing with a fearful spouse or partner in your relationship who constantly display bouts of jealousy and insecurity? If so, I recommend that you face the issue and deal with it as soon as possible by undertaking these task:
Task #1 – Identify the source of the situation
There was an interview conducted between couples to help them identify any possible behavior that might justify this type of attitude. Just getting started is a big issue. An issue that can get well out of hand if not contained. The question was addressed to the accuser; “Do you have a reason for displaying this type of action? If so, what are those reasons?”
Many times the answer was always the same; one partner has violated the others trust. And if violations of trust have occurred, the suspecting person has a tendency to wonder, “Is he or she being truthful? Is he or she being straightforward with me?” Once burned, twice careful.
This situation means that the couple does, in fact, have issues to work through. A deeper dialogue may be important – perhaps with a therapist or a pastoral counselor present as a guide. Depending on how far out the couple is in regards to restoring calm within the relationship, a professional person still may have a hard time getting a handle on things.
Without some type of guidance when problems brew, your relationship will surely suffer.
Once you identify the sources of your miss-trust, you have to move into new territory: the territory of trust. Remember, this is No dating game. This is some serious shit!
For the person who is the object of miss-trust, this means making sure that you never give your partner a new reason to be worried. You have to “walk the straight and narrow path” to reestablish trust.
For the miss-trusting person, the goal is to realize how much harm he or she is doing to the relationship by being so worried. Even though you’ve entered a relationship that is exclusive, you both still need a certain amount of freedom – a certain amount of room to grow and to develop and to be yourself.
Task #2 – Grasp the damage that ‘non-trust’ can do
If you are coping with this suspicious behavior, you need to grasp as soon as possible that this emotion will damage your relationship in the long term. Non-trust can’t do any good for the relationship. It can even effect you mentally.
You’re dealing with a ‘demon’ – what Shakespeare called “the green-eyed monster.” This monster will destroy relationships every single time!
This monster can attack and even devour your whole relationship if you allow it to. So if you don’t deal with it head-on, this ‘green-eyed monster’ can ultimately ruin what you and your partner are trying to build together. (Going down the same track together, is a better way to put it.)
Do you realize that this attitude demonstrates that you don’t have a very mature relationship? A relationship that can become ‘unraveled’ in no time and ‘more rocky’ as time goes on.
Because when you have a mature relationship, there’s a sense of freedom, of trust, of willingness to let the other person be.
Let your spouse develop. Otherwise, you’re clinging to a rather adolescent attitude.
Here’s another important question that you should ask yourself: Does the person you’ve married belong to you as a thing you own? Or is he or she a gift you’ve received?
Your husband or wife is autonomous – a separate person. If you perceive the other person as a thing – an object you own – it’s not only a false assumption, it also suffocates the other person.
Think back to a time when you felt that ‘a non-trusting partner or spouse‘ is Not good and expressed how you felt to person. Now answer these questions about what resulted from that situation:
- How did your partner or spouse react?
- What was the outcome of the situation?
- Looking back now, did you have cause for the miss-trust?
- What were the circumstances?
- Can you see now how you might have misinterpreted the situation?
- Did your expression of insecurity strengthen your relationship-or weaken it?
- Did your expression of miss-trust deepen communication between you and your partner – or make it more likely that he or she would hold back from you?
As you think over the answers to these questions, I think you’ll probably agree that your expression of jealousy probably had the opposite effect from what you may intended or desired. Instead of fostering closeness, it probably became a wedge that drove you and your spouse apart.
Instead of encouraging your partner to confide in you, it probably prompted him or her to hold back from you. Not trusting isn’t a force that strengthens a couple’s relationship. On the contrary, it’s often a “solvent” that loosens the ties between the partners.
Task #3 – Learn to deal with jealousy
Next, you need to face this problem head-on and deal with it. This task involves two separate actions – one for the worried and concerned partner or spouse, another for the person that is the object of miss-trust.
If you are the worried or concerned spouse…Next time you feel that green-eyed monster rear its ugly head, stop and ask yourself the following questions:
- Why am I feeling this way? What am I afraid of?
- Has my partner given me a reason to fear this?
- Could there be another explanation for his/her behavior?
- Are there ways I can cope with my uncertainties that are better than subjecting my partner to my worries and concerns?
Answering these questions will help you widen the scope of your insights so that you don’t fall into habitual accusing. Unless it’s just in your blood, and this is some ‘form of entertainment’ for you; making others life miserable.
If you’re dealing with an accusing person… ask yourself these questions the next time you’re confronted with a series of concerned questions from your spouse or partner.
- Why would my spouse feel this way? What is he/she afraid of?
- Did I do anything to contribute to this fear?
- What can I do to ease this fear in the future?
- Are there ways we can discuss the situation so that we can diminish the risk of my partner’s habitual ‘drilling ‘ me.
Task#4 – Consider the possibility that accusing is part of a bigger problem
Sometime insecurities can be part of what’s called obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). This disorder can be a serious mental health problem – a disorder in which obsessive thoughts and/or compulsive behaviors plague you.
An example of this would be a husband who can’t stop obsessing over his wife’s whereabouts and activities, or whose compulsively tracks her movements, phone calls, or e-mail.
Think about how many times you saw on your local news station or read a news feed on your cell phone about a guy getting suspicious of his woman cheating? She may not be. She may clearly be innocent. But this dude has built up images in his mind of his lady with another guy. He mentally goes off ‘the deep end’ and takes his woman’s life. (Some even go as far as to take the children’s life as well.)
I just heard a story like this recently, on my local news station. I feel so bad and angry too when children are involved.
Now with early intervention, that situation may not ever have gotten to that point. His mental health could have been evaluated way ahead of time; thus avoiding disaster. So sad!
Sometimes OCD is the result of personal trauma in the past. There may also be a biochemical aspect to the disorder.
If you believe that you (or your spouse) may be suffering from OCD, I urge you to seek professional mental health counseling. This disorder isn’t a situation that should cause you feelings of shame; it’s a genuine health problems, not a moral failing.
It isn’t your fault. But it is a situation that you can’t ignore, and you must address it as soon as possible.
Speak with your physician or call a referral service to find a mental health professional, or else raise the issue with your pastor.
“Remember, help for your significant other is right around the corner.”
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