A relationship expert handling any issue, Ron say's "No problem is too big or small." (My door is always open!) Also Ron is a comedy writer, (Wrote a book entitled, "How To Select a Compatible Mate.") A cartoonist and oil painter who studied at the Art institute of Chicago in 1980, Ron later decided to take a different career path. In 1997, he attended Harold Washington College and majored in hearing disabilities around the globe. (Go to https://babydosign.com and read some very interesting articles regarding children with hearing disabilities.)
Ron's been working successfully online since 2004 and enjoyed helping others succeed along the way!
Love-Struck Men Wanting To Date Women In A Gentle Way.
I admit, that when it comes to men loving women, I’ve had a hard time meeting the ladies. Why? At the time, I had no idea! During my months of searching, one night I finally found someone (Or at least I thought!) Stunning. Just beautiful. Miss Universe! I was thinking to myself, “I’ve found that special someone I’ve been searching for all my life!”
I was just ecstatic! I was thinking, “Boy! I still got it.” Going through different women is exhausting. As men, we all go through rough times meeting the opposite sex (or in some cases, the same sex).
Anyway, I thought this was the best time of my life. No doubt about it! My sights were always focused on finding that special person who’d give me the thrill of a lifetime! But this was beyond my wildest dreams.
Long dark brown hair. Sexy exotic eyes. Nice ruby red lips. Magnificent body! Then just like that,…WHAM!! Alarm clock goes off. Time to go to work! (I gotta stop watching that damn porn before bedtime!)LOL.
I emerged from that deep dream state with a smile on my face. Shit felt so real!
Regardless, when it boils down to relationships, I always say no matter if it’s man and woman or same sex couple, it doesn’t matter! Love is Love…no matter how you look at it! There’s someone for everybody!
One of the biggest self-improvements that I’ve made in my life is finally selecting the right mate. The woman that would eventually become my wife!
Since I found the right woman and started building a relationship in regards to this growing process, I had to know to keep the peace within the home. Having now someone I’m compatible with eases all pain of loneliness, and replaces it with joy and happiness.
Trying to find folks ‘on the re-bound’ only means being with someone who can fill the void after they have being dumped! Sometimes hooking up way too quickly is not good!
Time must be taken out to know him or her. The only thing on your mind is being lonely again! But let’s face it, it’s more than just a lonely thing. You get a little horny as well! This is your brain on sexand really, at the moment, that’s all that’s important!
Careful consideration must be in order, when selecting that perfect mate. Certain expectations must be met. (Just don’t get too picky. No one’s perfect.
The process of finding someone who’s nice and maybe a little interesting, can become a big task but is very doable. Doable….and fun!!
Follow these guidelines: Don’t Rush In You know that when you get yourself in too deep fast, this level of involvement makes you panic when the fantasy lifts. You have to keep reminding yourself of how badly you react when relationships start to get real. Now-a-day, sex doesn’t matter. Same sex couples have the right to be in love to, just like anyone else..
You also need to think more about how your behavior is making the other person feel. Your breakneck pace sets up a whirlwind. If it doesn’t scare your love interest away, it’s so compelling, it can only provide the basis for an enormous fall. As a man, it’s always in your favor to try Staying on her good side.
Remember, there’s one very simple way out of this: SLOW DOWN. Take your time. Let the intimacy develop gradually. Think before you leap. Avoid breakneck courtships and start evaluating a relationship step by step as it’s developing.
Hopeful Couple Wondering If They Have A Future: You have to understand the weight of your words. Phrases such as “I’ve never met anyone like you before,” “I’m never this attracted to anyone,” and “I can’t wait for you to meet my sister – the two of you will really get along,” are incredibly seductive.
They evoke a feeling of specialty that encourages your partner to have high expectations as well as placing heavy pressure on you to come through with a commitment. Sure, romance is fun. But to many people romance means love, and love mean marriage. Watch your words. If you use words that convey caring and the promise of a future, the other person may respond accordingly.
Certain phrases can cause even a first date’s attitude toward you to change totally – sometimes from casual to “overboard” in a single evening. Don’t Misrepresent Your Romantic History Or Your Romantic Attitude Don’t make it sound as though your previous relationships ended because your ex-partners were somehow lacking.
It’s important that you accept responsibility for your participation and learn as much as you can from it. Blaming your execs can also deceive your new partner, Someone who likes you is going to want to accept what you say at face value. If you tell someone, “Your different,” he/she wants to believe you. If you say, “I want this relationship to be different,” or, “I think this relationship can be different,” he/she wants to share that hope.
Don’t convey attitudes without thinking about what you are saying. For example, if you mean “We don’t know each other well enough to have sex, “don’t say, “I would never go to bed with anyone unless I was certain the relationship is going to work out.” Otherwise the moment you go to bed, your partner is going to assume it means a long-term commitment. Keep in mind that at this stage you have no idea how the relationship will work out. You may want it to be different, but wanting is not enough.
Until you are totally sure, avoid implying anything that can confuse your partner about your past or your intentions for the present – or the future.
Don’t Knock Yourself Out Trying To Impress A Potential Partner When you pull out all the stops to make an impression, your actions are saying,
“This relationship is very important to me; I want to make it work.” That may be true right now, but how will you feel in six weeks or six months?
Today you are overwhelmingly interested; tomorrow you may just feel overwhelmed. Everyone has a different method of impressing dates. What are yours? Do you share the most intimate details of your life right away?
If you do, your partner can’t help but think you are already clear about your intentions for developing a very sharing and exclusive relationship. Do you spend excessively on restaurants, gifts, or trips? Do you cook wonderful meals or bring elegant gifts?
All of this makes it appear that you’re taking the relationship very seriously, and it puts a lot of pressure on you to keep delivering. The reality is that you can’t possibly be ready for something this serious this soon. Your behavior needs to reflect this fact. If you have a history of eventually being haunted by everything you gave in the beginning, it’s time to become comfortable with giving less.
No one, who’s interested in you is going to walk away because you didn’t tell them your deepest, darkest secrets during your first phone call or take them to Paris on your first date.
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Society has long dictated that in order to build a successful relationship, complete with understanding and trust, there should also be eventual commitment. Playing dating games in life should take a backseat, and let a more serious and settled love life rise to the forefront! Now-a-day, most folks entering into relationships have NO clue as to what these two words really mean:
TRUST & COMMITMENT
We know ‘trust & commitment’ go ‘hand-in-hand,’ but lets take the word ‘commitment!’ Just this one word alone will have most folks shaking in their boots and having second thoughts!
Some start regretting they even uttered that mere word! (Just a ‘slip-of-the-tongue, perhaps?)’ Whatever the reason, it’s now registered in that person’s memory bank!
Therefore, just thinking about giving up those exciting flings before taking the final plunge, gets you a little shaky and harboring second thoughts!
You want to keep on meeting those of the opposite sex and all the thrills that come along with it. But committing yourself to one man or woman can be a trying experience!
You also understand that sometime dating can be very awkward. Asking someone out could be nerve wrecking! So how can you tell if he or she is interested in you?
The anticipation of a long romantic affair with that special someone goes through your mind. The image you hold is long-term. You don’t even care about how much money they make or material things they possess, or his or her background (This goes to show how desperate you are!).
But finding your mate doesn’t have to be out of desperation. It’s just experiencing ‘that feeling’. This is a feeling that will make you shout, “I think I’ve found me a compatible mate”.
So you really think you’re ready to deal with the real world? See video…
I know many seeking true love doesn’t care about status. The type of occupation they have really doesn’t matter to you. They can be a computer geek repairing motherboards or replacing ram for laptops. Or they may work online, struggling to make a few bucks with a network marketing company.
Then again, maybe they just won’t work at all! (It makes them break out into a ‘cold sweat’ just thinking about going to job interviews. (This applies to either sex. They’re just ‘lazy ass’ people).
You know, ladies, some guys take great pride in being plain lazy. They are tired by the end of the day just from doing nothing!
Who wants some guy lying around the house all day smelly, drinking beer, eating fish & chips and playing video games on their Xbox?
You may really find yourself in that situation. After working two jobs, you come home one evening to discover this person with their feet up and playing video games.
But at least he did bathe earlier, so you’d have to give him that much credit! But or some reason, he still stink! But all in all, romance is in the air. (Mr. stinky wants a loving relationship too!) Romance is here, there – It’s everywhere! Even animals go into ‘heat’ and want to make a connection. Meow! Meow!
These are just a few of the things you think about. Things you may or may not have to deal with. Yet, before any preparations can be taken toward the ritual of marriage, the proper choice of a mate must take place. This is where you have to be careful!!
Now ladies and gentlemen, you sit down and question yourself. You think; “How do I meet someone who’s worth the time and effort?” “Will I regret this in the long run?” “Will I get taken for a buggy ride?” “Would I have to protect my money by changing banks and my password?” “Should I get a Prenup agreement?”
Suppose one night you’re watching your favorite crime program, “America’s Most Wanted.” The woman or man you’ve been dating for the past three years suddenly appear on the show’s ’10 Most Wanted list.’ Now what do you do?
A) Jump on your cell phone and tell all your friends that your partner was on the tube.
B) Confront the person and let them know that you know about their past, secret life.
C) Get the hell out of there as fast as you can because they are wanted for double murder in three states.
Also, take a retrospective tour over past relationships. (you’ve found yourself doing a lot of that lately). Your mind starts to wonder;
“Were those encounters fruitless or rewarding? Or would my time had been better spent sitting home masturbating?
“Was the failure due to something I may have done, said or failed to do?” I don’t know.
“Was the relationship timely?” (Sometimes when we force the game to go in our favor, things never seem to turn out right).
Maybe different time sets played a role with you being a modern 21st century individual, dealing with the current things in life, and your potential soulmate stuck in the 60’s. (Trying to play catch-up)!
Recently, I ridiculously created and profiled personalities of the type of folks someone would encounter while out and about in their daily lives. The numerous singles who line our city streets and singles bars are targeted as well. I posted these funny profiles (Along with illustrations), on individual post! “Why did I do this, you ask?” The only reason I can think of is that I’m just a crazy ass, son-of-a-bitch! LOL!!
Oh,…and lets not forget those who have been deeply hurt and lied to most of their adult lives. Also, stay focused on the gold-digger’s and ‘lady hustlers’ coming out to stake their claim on some hapless soul.
The single person can work on and develop strategies now with ease! You may be walking down the street headed to a neighborhood store, to the mall, to pick up dog food, buy yourself some liquor or to any other area where there are people.
Say for example, you’re a guy and you spot a pretty woman in the area. Or maybe walking along the beach. Once noticing her, you’d spend a good amount of time thinking of what to say. It takes you awhile to get up the nerve to approach her because due to numerous past rejections, you haven’t been feeling too good about yourself.
Next, you would then start thinking of every excuse about what could go wrong. “She’s too gorgeous for me.”
I don’t stand a chance.” “Maybe that’s really not a woman. If she show interest in me, then I know something is up.”
Now remember, this scenario could easily been set for men or women. The biggest difference would’ve been a woman may not have been so aggressive (But they are out there!)
Now after using the tools here and following what’s offered to you, it’s full steam ahead!
You’ll walk with pride. Head held high. Radiate more confidence. Your game plan is well into place! You’re ready to go out into the world because this is the only way where folks find their special soul mate!
So guys & girls, don’t spend anymore weekend night’s alone staring at your cell phone waiting for a text message or wishing it would ring. Your friends will call wanting you to hang out with them, but you know it’s only because they need someone hold the camera and take the group photos. Or someone to sit, watch the purses & drinks while they dance.
Hell! You want a mate! A good male companion. Someone you can call a friend! (You know you have to become friends first before ‘lovers’).
Keep in mind that if you are seriously hunting for that special someone, then you need to know everything you can about your prey. Make your best shot count! Bag the best one you can!! Remember, with a well thought out plan of action, any man or woman can be yours.
First – As far as age goes, remember age ‘aint nothing but a number.’ You can still approach a sexy hot single regardless of what your age is. (of course, you don’t want to approach someone too young. Then you’ll come across as a ‘dirty ol’ man or woman.’)lol. Just use common sense.
I’m an older guy myself, but love to date younger women. Also, never let nationality get in the way. Lots of guys miss out on the possibility of scoring a winner thinking one-sided. (There are beautiful types of women in all races).
Second – People, understand that most folks love humor. They like a person that makes them laugh. You don’t have to be another Kevin Hart or Eddie Murphy, but if you feel that you want to joke around, go ahead and make them laugh. Just don’t be offensive!
I used this approach on a pretty girl I met while out buying dog and cat food. She was laughing at mostly everything I said, but unfortunately she was already in a relationship. (Hey…can’t win ’em all).
Third – Make conversation related to what ever you’re doing at the moment. Grocery shopping? Then ask her about the freshest fruit to buy, how to make a good salad or how high the store’s prices are. A woman out shopping makes eye contact. Then will ask a guy if he can reach something on a higher shelf for her. (it’s ok for the woman to be the aggressor sometime,) If you’re out walking your dog, you can meet many singles out doing the same as well. Be creative, friendly and smile a lot!
Fourth – Don’t be intimidated by a woman or guys outer beauty. (Inner beauty is what counts most). For example, guy’s think when they see a fine woman, she won’t speak or have time for them.
You’ll be surprised to find out that this woman is just as lonely as you. She realize her gorgeous looks are a ‘hinder’ instead of a ‘helper’ that is keeping guys at bay.
(I just gave a guy perspective because I’m a guy. But this touches both sexes).
Fifth – Just be yourself and have confidence. This is strongly recommended for the serious single guy, trying to get it together.
Try not to portray someone you’re not. You’ll go along ways just by being honest because you don’t want something later, to come back and bite you in the ass.
(REMEMBER: You never know what day, time or place that special someone may come along).
“How can I become more confident?” is the question most struggling, single people ask. Whether it’s about approaching women, dating them or just having sex.
For those still not confident enough, it all feels like a terrifyingly uncertain nightmare, and as a result, you worry about practically everything.
“What do I say?” “What do I do?” “Where do I take her?” “What if she doesn’t like me?” “What if she says no?”
“What if I’m not good at all?” “What if I throw up on her after too many shots?” What if, what if, what if….
Fortunately, in the last twenty years researchers have gained a lot of new insights into the origins and nature of confidence, and they allow us, finally, to explain exactly what it is:
Confidence is the realistic expectation you have of being successful at something, given (a) your competence at it and (b) the risk involved with doing it.
Take driving, for example. When you get behind the wheel now, as opposed to being a much younger inexperienced driver, you understand all the unseen risks and thus have a very high expectation of getting where you intend to go safe and sound.
Don’t think confidence is some kind of modern phenomenon through, just because people today don’t shut up about it. Confidence has been a thing for a long time.
In fact, confidence is part of your genetic makeup which evolved over thousands of generations as a mental tool to guide our decision-making.
A confident guy expects the woman to engage him in conversation when he goes up to say hi and introduce himself. He expects her to give him her number when he ask for it or to dance at the club.
He doesn’t think he deserves it or she owes it to him (unless he is also an entitled douche bag, which is entirely possible) – he just expects that he’s going to get it, even before he says a word. Why?
Because he’s done this dozens if not hundreds of times, with enough success to accurately predict the likely outcome. How can you realistically judge the likelihood of your success in a unique moment like that – or in any domain of life?
Your brain does it by unconsciously integrating a bunch of data from your memory and your current states. It adds up your past training, experiences, and successes, plus your present capabilities, to guide your decisions. Your brain is like a mushy three-pound sports book between your ears, setting the line and shifting the odds on to your immediate future.
The most annoying thing about confidence, though, is that 90% of the time it’s dormant (or at least, it should be). It should only become an issue when you’re actively facing a risky challenge, not when you’re eating dinner or sitting at home trying to chose between watching football or Netflix.
Nobody walks around all day vacillating between confident and un-confident. That would be exhausting and pointless. When a challenge does arise-like texting a new mate from eHarmony or having sex with a woman for the first time-your confidence system immediately switches on and delivers its verdict: what confidence level you should feel in this situation, given its rewards and risks in relation to your competence level.
For example, if your game is tight and you’ve had successful dates from eHarmony, your confidence is probably high. If you’ve had a history of striking out with women and a reputation as a two-pump chump with new ones, your confidence is going to be low.
So let’s talk about building confidence. (Remember, you’re never too old.) First thing’s first: there are No shortcuts! Anyone who tries to sell you their “Ten Tricks To Land A Foxy Lady“ is selling you bullshit!
If they tell you to visualize your mating success, then the actual secret is that they’re charlatans taking your money.
The only effective strategy for gaining real confidence is to develop skills and demonstrate performance of those skills.
Developing realistic self-confidence is all you need and it’s right within your mind! Start building up your confidence NOW! All you have to do is get good at the things you feel confident about and then demonstrate those skills, to yourself and others. “Go after what you want in confidence! Your compatible mate is out there waiting”
This means learning, practicing and then consistently performing under real-life conditions with real stakes, when people are watching. Once you do that, confidence and established skill-sets are almost automatic.
EVERYTHING STARTS WITH A SUCCESSFUL PLANNING PROCESS
When it comes to love and finding a mate for a long-term relationship, studies has shown that people need a clear set of instructions for specific actions.
I’ve outlined a five-step process which boils everything you need to do. Down to the simplest possible set of facts to learn,choices to make, and actions to take. The five steps are:
GET YOUR HEAD STRAIGHT: Fix your mental framework regarding sound relationships; replace antique nonsense with state-of-art insights; develop confidence, understand the opposite sex point of views, and clarify your mating ethics and mating goals.
DEVELOP ATTRACTIVE TRAITS: Understand what they want and why, and then give it to them by cultivating the key traits of physical health, mental health, intelligence, willpower, tenderness, and protectiveness.
DISPLAY ATTRACTIVE PROOFS: Understand the signaling principles that underlie honest, hard-to-fake proofs of value, and construct your personal, professional, social, and romantic life around building and displaying those proofs.
GO WHERE THE PEOPLE ARE: Understanding how the mating markets work, given the supply and demand of men and women; how to find that person who offer the highest value and the best compatibility, given your tastes and goals; and how to meet those people in specific places, from local leisure clubs to online dating apps.
TAKE ACTION: Understand how to talk. Date them, have great sex with them (When the time is right), and learn from your experiences toward building a positive feedback cycle of personal improvement, and a sound relationship. All of which will help you create and execute your mating plan.
These steps are simple to understand, but they’re not always easy to accomplish. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling you bullshit!
So in conclusion, regardless if you’re a man or woman, you may not always come out on top every time playing dating games. Things have seriously changed within our world now, in regards to seeking love and relationships. In these difficult times we live in today, it’s very hard, as a single man or woman to meet ANYONE. (Not Easy In Today’s Times.) No one wants you in their face!
Picture yourself one afternoon relaxing alone on the beach, with a mask on, trying to yell at a pretty woman standing on the other side. You shout in a loud voice, “Hey pretty lady? You come here often!?” Muffled through a mask. (‘Good luck with that shit!’)LOL!
There are plenty of good people out here, but you can’t get to know them when you have to stay ‘isolated’ & ‘six feet’ apart.
DATING APP USAGE ON THE RISE
2020 is a year we will all never forget, starting with covid 19 in February! Also, look at all the marches that went on condemning racial injustice & police brutality in mid summer. Regardless of what part of the country you lived in, you saw some form of this going on.
It’s just Not enough LOVE in the world today! Just not only on a personal level, but global as well. 2020 will go down in the history books as ‘The Year Of ‘Pure Hell!’ Besides putting us in a bad economic and health crises, It also has ‘hindered’ our search for a compatible mate. (If you’re married, you can just ignore this section…unless you plan on cheating.) I’m targeting ONLY singles now! Currently, online dating is ‘HOT’ & increasing in popularity. During past years, this style of meeting people for dating or possibly marriage has taken a ‘bad hit.’ No one wanted to explore this route. But not anymore!
Research has shown that 38% of US adults, 30 to 49, have used an online dating service and even lower for 50 and older. and 16% have found a committed relationship from its use.
So if you are seriously searching for a mate who’s wanting the same thing as you, someone to fulfill that empty void in your life, regardless if you’re Christian or not; then here’s the best one I recommend. Check this out:
Ron’s Final Thought On The Reality Of Love
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We are going through rough times now. This will go down in the history books as the worst pandemic ever. I know you’re starting to feel like there’s No End in sight! We are all in this together. Everything is being affected by this pandemic. Folks are struggling with finances and losing their jobs (Not to mention their mental health and trying to find true love, if single.) Those with spouses, those just ‘shacking up’ together or those men and women trying to find their soulmates, may find a little piece of mind knowing they have someone or will eventually have someone by their side.
But what about those single men and women living alone, fantasizing at work and at the same time, wanting to be social, meet people and mingle. It’s very difficult running errands and trying to meet someone with a pair of draws wrapped around your face for a mask.(I got the idea from You tube, until I was able to purchase some ‘real’ mask.)
To all the single guys out there, try talking to a pretty girl when you’re in the street. (Or at least, you hope he’s pretty. It’s hard to tell with her mask on). Watch how fast she starts backing away from your ass!
I haven’t even touched on ‘social distancing’ yet, but just think about it. Yes, safety is our main concern in person! As it should be. But when it comes to getting close enough to meeting someone, there lies the problem! NO ONE, male or female, wants to get into ear shot range of what you’re trying to say. (They’ll back up quickly.) But do you blame them?
So you head back back home from the bank, or grocery store with your bags and thinking, “Boy! Another lonely night of eating alone.” You just can’t get close enough to strike up a conversation. There has got to be a better way. Online dating now is the safe way to go, regardless of distance! No social distancing required!
You can now easily meet someone online using your laptop or mobile phone. Relax and forget about all the other crap going on. Have a cup of coffee or tea. Sit back and start communicating. This is now the new norm in regards to meeting someone for a long term relationship!
So never think it’s something you’re doing wrong, in terms of making a connection. Society is just moving in a different direction in regards to dating. We are doing things today now in a more safe & healthier manner. Online dating is more safer now than ever. Meeting someone has never been easier!
“You must always remember there’s someone God Has Planned for your life.“
At least when you meet someone online, you never have to concern yourself with ‘social distancing’ or any facial covering. Let ChristianCafe lead you in the right direction!
After posting a nice profile of yourself and someone finds you interesting, you and that person can discuss the health of the world and the health of each other without feeling embarrassed. As I’ve said before dating online could never be easier and more safer!
Let’s all be health conscientious. We can all still meet great people today, around the country and have an amazing time. Just do it in a safe manner through a safe, online dating platform.
LONELINESS MIXED WITH ANXIETY & DEPRESSION REALLY HAD ME ON A ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTIONS.
Using a corner of my apartment as a place of solitude, I’ve always wondered where my life was headed. How To Deal With Anxiety And Depression is something no one had to teach me.
It was a quiet evening. I tried my best not to let loneliness get the best of me. It’s a sad and dark place to be. I had a friend once that dealt with this sad state for over 20 years. But he always had relationship issues.
Sometimes I wonder was my friend getting constantly dumped by women who never took him seriously. This happened so often to my friend; all the way up to the month when he passed away.
THREE SIMPLE ELEMENTS THAT WORKED FOR ME…
I want to show you what I did to ‘break out’ and not be an isolated poor soul anymore:
Be Pleasant to others, (Although isolation has made you a little bitter!)
Be Outgoing, (Mingling with others (even through social media) is always good for your health and state of mind!)
Instill Confidence Building, (strongly recommended) Let me begin by saying that through the long months and years of combating loneliness, depression and some anxiety, my life has made a complete turn around. No one (except my main ‘squeeze’ I met) can experience the joy and happiness I feel, since coming out of my shell.
Lonely Man Taking a Stroll On The Beach
ARE YOU GOING THROUGH WHAT I WENT THROUGH?
Is fear, the biggest obstacle that’s hindering you from moving forward with your life?
The Power of Love, the source of FULLCONFIDENCE, can transform your life.
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What I needed before, in the past, was to build my confidence,go out and face the world. This is just what I needed, a “Full Confidence Builder” that has helped me tremendously in regards to interacting with others, and I know it’ll help you too.
When you buy something from this website, I may receive an affiliate commission. These are my opinions and are not representative of the companies that create these products. My reviews are based on my personal experience and research. I never recommend poor quality products, or create false reviews to make sales. It is my intention to explain products so you can make an informed decisions on which ones suit your needs best.
You hanging out at your buddies place where a couple of females are present. Your buddy is a single guy, that carries on like you’re single too. Your woman absolutely despises him (she try understanding that’s your childhood friend). You told your lady that you’re going to go visit a sick friend.
Now in your mind,you think you’re getting away with something. I must start things off with a known fact: Every man who’s ever been in relationships,has found himself in the doghouse at one time or another (some more than others). Yes, my friend. ‘The Doghouse!’ It’s an empty cold, dark, and scary place that no caring man, who tries to do the best he can, wants to venture into. So how to stay on her good side will take some effort at home.
It’s a place where one is banned to the cold shoulder, the evil eye, and the uncomfortable itchy couch. A place where there are no birds and bees. And the sad part about it, once you’re there, it’s very hard to get out. You’re all alone!
But herein lie the age-old secrets to avoiding the doghouse – and avoiding the wrath of the lady in your life. Trust me, when you think you’re getting away with something, some how, some way she’ll find out the truth. Remember, you always want to stay on her good side! To please our women, we have to walk around softly and be mindful of how we speak to them, and careful of what we say and do. But as men, we’re not going to be ‘pushovers.’ we want our own identities. Be leaders and not followers. Our egos will not allow anything less! But lo and behold…we done gone and fucked something up! Just when we thought we got away with something, and everything is going good!
If you pay close attention to the precepts to follow, you will find yourself armed with the knowledge you’ll need to stay out of the most ominous place in the world. However, If I were to quote Clark Gable in “Gone with The Wind,” with his famous line; “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn”, I’d be lying. I do give a damn when it comes down to seeing guys confined to the doghouse.
Through my 37 years of marriage, I was once there myself (probably more times than I care to remember). Although I’d pled my case many times, involving different situations, the outcome always appeared the same.
Let’s face it guys, the complexity of a woman is mind challenging. I wish the best to all you dudes out there who constantly screw up! Anyway, I hope this information will make you more aware of what to say, how to say it, and when.
Below are 25 important rules to remember to keep your ass out of the doghouse. In other words, think of these as the most cautious things you could ever say or do regarding managing relationships:
FOLLOW WITH CAUTION….
RULE #1 –Never forget – even her feelings have feelings.
Women feel things far more deeply than the rest of us. They can be downright bottomless wells of sensitivity. You may feel pretty happy with yourself for properly diagnosing some feeling you’ve noticed she has.
But don’t get complacent: Whatever it was, you can bet there are five more coming right behind it.
RULE #2 -Develop an attention to detail that would put Scotland Yard to shame.
Maybe she has a new haircut, some type of new hairstyle or nail color. Maybe she left for work this morning a blonde and came back a brunette. Whatever it is, if you don’t notice it, YOU’RE IN TROUBLE!
When you see her at the end of the day, play a silent round of the old children’s game What’s Wrong with This Picture? (Hint: There’s only one right answer: nothing – I love it! Even if it’s a five-engine red Mohawk.)
RULE #3 -Learn to listen like Barbara Walters.
However long or complicated the conversation may be, just nodding your head occasionally and saying “uh huh” won’t cut the mustard. Trust me, sooner or later you’re going to need to remember what she’s saying. Pay a little attention now, and thank me later.
RULE#4 -It’s fine to have friends who are girls…as long as they all look like Mike Tyson.
Don’t expect her to be any more thrilled about your cute girl-friends than you would be about her new buddy, the hot, muscular neurosurgeon.
If you want to stay out of the doghouse, say goodbye to all lady friends who have more than one facial tattoo and less than three chins.
RULE#5 -Learn when a request is actually a command in disguise.
“Do you want to come with me to the kids’ play?” “Do you feel like going to the school board meeting?” “To see the Robertson’s baby?” “To the Johnson’s housewarming?” These sound like request…. but there NOT!
RULE#6 -Just as in any other penal system, repeat offenders get longer sentences.
You’re probably thinking everyone makes a mistake once in a while. That would be your FIRST mistake. Justice might be blind, but she has a perfect memory.
Even if you throw yourself on the mercy of the court and get a suspended sentence for your first offense, the second time the judge will throw the book at you.
RULE#7 -Take a lesson from golf: Always keep your head down.
One of the quickest paths to the doghouse is getting caught looking at other women. Even when you think you’re in the clear, You’re NOT! Women all have that sixth sense.
When you feel temptation is near, keep your head down and stare at your feet. If that’s too hard, think about investing in a pair of horse blinders.
RULE#8 -Even if she asks for details about your ex-girlfriends, she doesn’t really want to know.
No good ever comes from talking about ex-girlfriends. Bringing them up is like summoning a ghost – once in the room, they’ll haunt you forever. We recommend telling her you spent spent most of your life in a seminary before you met.
RULE#9 -Your relationship is not an adult film…it’s a sitcom!
We know, you may have seen some things online that looked pretty…stimulating. Unless you’re a rock star, though, don’t even try talking her into trying anything you’ve seen in dirty movies.
Trust me: your relationship’s more like ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’, without the joke writers. the laugh track or the commercial breaks.
RULE#10 -Learn from our old past, former president Nixon: The cover-up is always worse than the crime.
Deleted text messages are as bad as incriminating texts. If you wouldn’t want her to read it, don’t send it in the first place – ’cause she will, every time. And mobile reception in the doghouse is terrible.
RULE#11 -Never use any kind of fruit to describe the shape of her body. Fruit can be very good for you. Fruit metaphors? Not so much. Pear, apple, melon, cantaloupe – reach for the wrong image, and you might get that same piece of fruit thrown at your head.
RULE#12 -There’s NO A for effort.
Sorry, but if she ask for a cucumber and you come up with a zucchini, you’re in trouble! “Some kind of vegetable” isn’t enough to keep your head above water.
RULE#13 -Fair: A place with cotton candy and pony rides.
Get use to it: When it comes to relationships, life isn’t fair. If you want to ‘win’ her, every so often you need to lose an argument. Check your ego at the door – and your superego and your id, while you’re at it.
RULE#14 -Begging is far more effective than facts, logic, and rational thought.
You may brandish “the facts” like a seasoned lawyer – but this is not a court of law. In an argument, logic will only make her more irate. Think less like a lawyer and more like a prisoner on a pirate ship: When all else fails, – “beg for mercy.”
RULE#15 – There’s NO such thing as a friendly game of “What celebrity would you sleep with?”
Dude, you really ought to know better, but one or two glasses of wine and a shot of vodka and there you are, revealing your secret yearning to make out with Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Lopez. Innocent enough, right?
RULE#16 – NEVER side with your mother over her (unless you want to move back in with mom).
True. For the first eighteen years of your life, your mother’s opinion was the one that counted. But now there’s a new sheriff in town!
Tell her your mom disagree with her, and you and your poor mom could get get thrown in the stir.
RULE#17 – No good can come of forming a band AFTER the age of twenty – nine.
From where she stands, forming a band can only lead to bad things: Your being gone nights on end, wearing childish T-shirts, and coming home to a cold dinner and a cold shoulder. Try it, and your ‘opening night’ may be at a little club, down the end of a deserted road called “the Doghouse.”
RULE#18 – Don’t Complain about your plate unless you want it replaced by a bowl.
Unless the steak she serves you is extra rare with a side of E. coli. it’s Best NOT to criticize her cooking. Remember, before she came along you were probably eating frozen dinners everyday. So whatever she’s got cooking, it’s an upgrade!
RULE#19 – A woman’s pet is never just an animal. It’s her furry soulmate.
They’re all dog and cat whisperers. Don’t assume you can make fun of her cat or yell at her dog. She’d probably sacrifice her life – or yours, at least – for the animals.
RULE#20 – She can’t put you in the doghouse if she can’t find you.
When you know you can’t win the match, sometimes it’s just best to stay out of the ring. Try running away and living in a tent for a couple of days till the smoke blows over.
RULE#21 – NEVER, ever throw a “mantrum.”
If she feels like it, she can freak out and get hysterical and throw heavy objects at your head. No penalty, no questions asked. Try raising your voice above a whisper, though, and suddenly you’re the Devil himself.
RULE#22 – Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
Don’t be lazy in bed. You need to make sure she achieves the actual pleasures she deserves. If you don’t, perhaps someone else will.
RULE#23 – If you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.
Oddly enough, even if you’ve done nothing wrong, your friends’ indiscretions and misadventures can land you in the doghouse. If they cheated or lied to their wives and you were with them during the crime, you are, unfortunately, guilty by association.
RULE#24 – 8:35pm…The time when texts from other women become creepy.
Text messages from women you work with, or from female friends, are inevitable. But once the sun has gone down, those same texts no longer seem quite so innocent….maybe because they’re not.
And now, before I end, here’s one more extreme rule that targets ALL married guys. I’ll call this “The Grand Daddy of All Rules” (It stands alone in the rankings):
RULE#25 – “Your Wedding Ring Should Only Leave Your finger, If Your Finger Leaves Your Hand.”
To the numerous fellows that ended up in the doghouse after getting caught taking off their ring on the way to a bar, strip club, or some other hunting ground or watering hole, will always remember the day. A woman figure once that ring goes on your finger, the only things with a license to remove it are a wood chipper, meat cleaver…or an alligator.
But just a side note to all you guys that just can’t seem to get it together regarding their relationship; STOP SCREWING UP! Maybe you’ve lied so much to a point that your woman knows all your moves. (That’s why you find your ass constantly in her dog house).
You try to be a good guy, but just don’t know how to go about knowing what it takes to establish a strong, peaceful and happy relationship. A little guidance in your favor will go a long ways in regards to keeping the peace. With some extensive research, we’ve discovered 50 Secrets of Blissful Relationships that will change your whole life around. Guaranteed! “Oprah Love Expert Reveals the Secrets For You To Have the Relationship of Your Dreams” Check It Out!
So there you have it, fellas. Follow these 25 important rules and also discover the 50 secrets to a better relationship, that will help you maintain peace & more happiness at home! Hopefully, you’ll always try staying on her good side. It’ll keep your ass out of the doghouse and maintain a better relationship! Good luck!
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As a man seek a good woman today, one of the first qualities he looks for is ‘can she throw down’ in the kitchen? Guys, you’ve heard the old saying that “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” This is so true. Men love to eat and look for a woman who loves to cook. A lady with ‘old fashion’ values. In regards to how loving a bumbling cook is No picnic, No dude wants stomach poisoning. You may as well get in the kitchen and cook your own damn food. These statements hold some truth in most cases regarding love, romance and hospitalization.
It is well known Carla is very popular with one of the CEO’s largest insurance companies. She brings in much repeat business regarding local hospital stays with her men. Stomach pumps are a ‘hot’ commodity in regards to the most popular hospital item used. Yes, they love love Carla! She makes them money. It’s safe to say that every dude loves a woman that can cook good! (hell, all men got to eat, right?) A man wants a good woman, who can prepare fantastic tasting dishes. We like eating new shit (and not only in the bed room). LOL
But along comes Carla. (she can’t cook worth a shit!) She thinks she understands this concept about men and what they like when it comes to food & sex. This woman desperately want to please her man; not only in the bedroom, but also at the dinner table. She sometime wonder if she’ll ever be able to find true love. So now, let’s see what’s cooking with this goofy woman.
VITAL STATISTICS – Age: 22 to 41, Height: 5’1″ to 5’7″, Weight: Lite & Fluffy!!
OCCUPATION – You may find this type working at the local fast food joint or a downtown deli. She’s the one usually involved when everyone smells smoke coming from the kitchen and starts running for their lives.
FAVORITE FOODS – A dinner invitation with Carla means a night of indigestion, diarrhea or constipation (Not to mention choking on smoke.) She’ll offer up her favorite dish of raw onions & minnows on moldy buttered bread. Lunch would be tainted tuna fish on beef crackers. Oh yeah, and you better get use to her special home-made dessert, the ever-popular… Baked ‘Snot-on-a-stick’ with Chocolate Chip boogers.’
FAVORITE DRINKS – When over at her place, sit back, relax and enjoy the cool refreshing taste of donkey sweat. Also, before bedding this crazy woman, she’ll have you gulp down a large glass of ‘crushed grasshopper wings’ and salt water. (Her theory is that you’ll be ‘up & hopping’ all night, never tiring during sex.)
FAVORITE MUSIC – Come on over and listen to her collection: ‘Martha Steward Sings Songs From The Kitchen.’And don’t be surprised if she lays her head on your shoulder and serenade you herself (Funky breath and all).
FAVORITE MOVIES/TV SHOWS – Carla’s a Big movie buff! She loves sneaking into the movies (At least, she use to. But now knows she’s too old for that shit!) But since the pandemic, she’s confined at home watching all the International cooking shows she steals from cable tv.
You may also get invited to see that brand new, broad way play; ‘It Must Be Jelly, Cause Jam Don’t Shake Like That!’
FAVORITE SPORTS/HOBBIES – Once you fan away the thick smoke to find a chair to sit, you’ll then relax with her and watch the long distance pork chop tossing contest.
And less not forget the 25 guys competing for the title of who can eat 57 hotdogs in 25 minutes (Whoever pukes first is out of the competition).
TYPE OF CAR – None of her own. She’ll be the one driving that old run down, rusted-out food caterer truck between 10 and 5pm.
LAST BOOK- ‘25 Ways to Microwave & Serve Goat Liver.’ by author & special food critic, Mr. Yul Gag’n’puke.
TURN-ONS – She really gets a big thrill out of new supermarket ‘grand openings,’ easy-to-follow cooking recipes (Yeah, like it’s really gonna help), discount coupons good for a month and folks selling illegal EBT food stamp cards.
TURN-OFFS – Generic aluminum foil that doesn’t seal, wax paper that doesn’t hold and sauce pans without matching lids.
SECRET FANTASY – To one day own the most exciting and exclusive restaurant this side of the globe.
ASTROLOGICAL SIGN – Scorpio
PERSONALITY – With a half-baked brain and zero cooking skills, she still struggle to find her way in life (not to mention finding her way in the kitchen).
This woman was married four times and each marriage ended regarding the spouses ‘near-death’ experience with her meatloaf. She was very close to providing business to the various funeral homes, but miraculously her men all pulled through. Single once again, Carla relaxation after work consist of baking at home, despite constant warnings from the city fire chief.
IDEAL MAN – The culinary art is a must for him to accomplish. He has to be a ‘real sharp cookie’ with lots of positive moves on his plate.
WHERE TO MEET – You’ll find this type arguing with someone in the supermarket checkout line. Or maybe you’ll meet at a ‘home appliance convention’ or unfortunately, she’ll be a blind date.
GOAL – To one day write a best selling cookbook.
RATING: 1.2… Life with this female nut case, could only mean you eating bad dinners and making sure your health insurance coverage doesn’t lapse. Be prepared to find yourself in the kitchen more than her. But who knows, she maybe just right for you.
Experiencing constant constipation four times a week (And diarrhea every Saturday and Sunday afternoon along with a high fever over 104) is something that you may never get used to. But if you can handle all these chaotic symptoms, then life can be a ‘Bowl of Cherries”.
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So ladies Don’t Be So Cruel. These type of dudes are always searching, scoping out the most beautiful women; only to get their feelings hurt in the long-run. But it would be wrong for me to say they all ‘strike out.’ But they NEVER give up! They will keep on pushing forward until they get the crap beat out of them by some chick’s jealous boyfriend!
So here we go again! Let’s take a look at the world of a typical nerd.
‘ NERDY NELSON‘
VITAL STATISTICS – Age: 19 to 39, Height: 5’5″ to 6’2″, Weight: Not Much!!
OCCUPATION – You may find this type working at the local movie theater selling popcorn. He may even be your bag boy at the neighborhood supermarket that’s always held a crush on you. (You know the kid that’s always drooling on your items). Then he falls all over himself as he offers to take your things to the car!
FAVORITE FOODS – With him, prepare your taste buds to handle a large helping of junior pepper dogs on half-moldy buns. Oh yeah, and you better get use to his special home-made dish, the ever-popular ‘Banana Chocolate Chip Goulash.’
(While in the kitchen preparing this slop, don’t be surprised if he yells out, “Hey, lollipop lips! I know your dying to try my tasty roasted, honey-dipped frog legs?”)
FAVORITE DRINKS – Warm Kool-Aid (no sugar), dill-pickle juice and strawberry buttermilk shakes, sprinkled with discarded moth wings, will be on the ‘liquor list’ for the evening.
FAVORITE MUSIC – He will sway you with the ‘The Beat Goes On‘ & ‘Red Robin’. (Oldie tunes out before his time.) He’ll also have you listen to endless hours of the ‘Star Trek’ theme song, and ‘Barney Fife’s Greatest Hits.’
And don’t be surprised, if he tries to serenade you. He claims he can be the greatest broadway singer of all.
FAVORITE MOVIES/TV SHOWS – You’ll spend a great evening, settling back and viewing ‘The Simpsons’ reruns. Also you’ll enjoy the movie ‘Revenge of the Nerd’ pts. 1, 2, & 3 and ‘The Adventures of Pee Wee Herman.’ (So sit back & enjoy.)
FAVORITE SPORTS/HOBBIES – During a nice quiet evening while you’re over visiting, he’ll have you helping him organize his stamp collection. If fortunate enough to get invited to a party (Anybody’s party), you’ll assist him in exciting, non-stop action such as the ‘bobbing-for-apples’ event.
TYPE OF CAR – NONE!! A ‘night on the town’ means bar hopping to different pubs or beer joints by bus, train or sore feet!
LAST BOOK- ‘Learn How To Pick Up Girls by Smooth Talkers, Inc.
TURN-ONS – His glasses fog up and he break out with a big grin at the sight of nude statues, porn magazines and used, ‘slimey’ condoms.
TURN-OFFS – 6 ft. 280 lb. weight lifters who pick on nerds, street gang members hanging out in the vestibule of his apartment, and women wrestlers.
SECRET FANTASY – To one day, be able to get a good blow job before turning 40.
ASTROLOGICAL SIGN – Libra
PERSONALITY – As a member of the Mr. Rodgers fan club, he’s a real ‘slacker’ who’ll never accomplish much in life. His friends voted him ‘Chump of the Month,’ and he has more enemies than you can count.
His dry wit and bumbling demeanor makes him a ‘true’ nerd.
IDEAL WOMAN – A nerdette who looks like Woody Allen’s sister.
WHERE TO MEET – These nerdy-types are usually found spending their time, hanging around bus terminals trying to pick up women.
You’ll also find them in the men clothing section where bow ties are sold. Then later in the library.
GOAL – To find a job paying a little over minimum wage and one day, qualify for a Visa card.
RATING: 1.2….He’s no Casanova. He masters dull talk, slow action and can’t get a ‘boner!’ You being a strong woman, he’ll never find out what interest you. (Frankly, he won’t give a shit)! But maybe it’s all for the better! Besides, who wants a serious relationship with someone enjoying and spending most of their time playing in used kitty litter!
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You know it’s no surprise to me that everyone has known a woman like this in their past. How could someone like this ever be forgotten? Regardless if it’s a cafeteria worker at your old high school, a waitress at the old coffee shop that you and your friends used to frequent in college, or an old next-door neighbor that always had the hots for you, this type seem to appear somewhere in your life. If you look up crazy, weird and sex addicted in Webster’s dictionary, this old chick’s mug would appear next to each word.
To all the guys out there (of course this could be addressed to the ladies as well) when it comes down to loving someone like Dirty ol’ Doris, then my friend, you’ve hit the bottom of the barrel. Also, you better get use to inhaling a lot of choking, cigarette smoke when in her presence and the smell on your clothes. Don’t complain! Doris don’t like that shit. You want to always stay on her good side and out of her doghouse!
If you don’t mind the age difference and a woman who loves lots of sex (she’s 88) then this old bird might just be for you. She’s a heavy smoker, so you better get use to it, or start smoking with her (that’s probably why she was born under the sign of cancer).
Just remember Not to smoke more than her! She’s a ‘three packer a day’ and will get ‘pissed’ if you try out doing her. (At least, she don’t smoke weed… she just ‘sell it.’) Ol’ Doris always wants to be the best at everything! She was this way even at a young age. Growing up, when games were played among her friends, she would ‘kick their asses’ if she thought they were cheating. And that toughness carried on throughout the years!
Hey! Don’t let her age fool you my friend. Ol’ Doris can still ‘throw down,’ even much better than others half her age. Doris is an ‘Energizer Battery’ when it comes to sex! She can roll until the sun comes up! Afterwards she’ll lay back, and have herself 7 or 8 smokes. Then It’s off to the races again. (So you better be ready)!
She’ll ‘screw your brains out’ and later suggest you take Viagra if you wanna go for several more rounds. It pisses Doris off knowing you can’t keep your ‘Love Muscle’ “standing at attention” very long. This old broad hates a ‘limp penis.‘
If you think you’re man enough, big & bad enough, lets see how you handle this. Get ready now to meet the hottest (at least in her mind), most active old buzzard on planet earth; that really knows how to live life & make serious love:
Dirty Ol’ Doris
VITAL STATISTICS – Age: 88 and going up fast, Height: 5’2″ to 5’5″, Weight: Flirtatious.
OCCUPATION – This type will most likely be employed as a office manager of some broken down junk yard. You may also find this type running one of the largest distributors of pornographic materials and adult sex toys in the US, Canada, and the UK (but not necessarily in that order)!
FAVORITE FOODS – Once she puts her teeth in, she’s ready for chow. Dining out will consist of old cabbage plants with Caesar dressing. A side dish of Muskrat stew and boiled owl heads. For desert, she’ll have a slice of baboon pie topped with wild cherries.
FAVORITE DRINKS – Most mornings, especially after a long night of hot sex, she’ll gulp down two large glasses of prune juice to help with bowel movement. The night life will consist of a fifth of Jack & coke, wine coolers and bloody Mary. Some Old Granddad bourbon would also be nice as well.
FAVORITE MUSIC – Ol’ Doris favorite sounds are the ringing up of sales from her world-wide pornographic business (she says, “It’s a horny and freaky world out there and I’m looking to cash in”).
FAVORITE MOVIES/TV SHOWS – The ‘Golden Girls’ are on top of her list. Also, it really fires her up when watching any amazing Youtube xxx Adult videos such as; “Debbie Does Dallas,” “Naughty Girls from Central High,” “Don’t Do Me Wrong…Just Do Me.” & “Old Broads From The Home Giving Gumjobs” (It’s ‘double duty’ night. A round of blowjobs while soaking their teeth at the same time,)
FAVORITE SPORTS/HOBBIES – She wants to be a referee or judge at any event which includes young studs flexing their muscles. (She claims she’s the best at rubbing body oil.) However, during football season, she’ll make bets with a couple of her old, wild girlfriends over which team pat the others fanny the most.
TYPE OF CAR – NONE! (Hell, she’s damn near 90, what do you expect?)
LAST BOOK – ‘Doggie Style 101’ by the ‘Back-Door Slammers’ from the over ’70’ Club.
TURN ONS – Young men’s sweaty muscles glistening on the beach, winning a big state lottery to impress young studs and hanging around men’s shower stalls after a game.
TURN OFFS – Old dudes trying to act young, middle-age dudes always complaining about their aches and pains, annoying people who keep reminding her of her age, and all the dudes trying to wear condoms they know are way too big.
SECRET FANTASY – To be voted “the hottest senior citizen of the 21st Century.”
ASTROLOGICAL SIGN – Cancer
PERSONALITY – This old bag knows what she wants in life and goes after it (especially ANY well-built, well-hung young stud will do)! Her demeanor toward the opposite sex sometime makes you wonder; if she really cares what’s thought of her. But really she don’t give a shit!
She thinks that being in the company of much younger men, make other women think they’re not popular enough. She also doesn’t realize that some of these men she know, only socialize with her because she’s lonely and have money. These men also know that they could get anything their hearts desire by just telling her how sexy her old ass is.
IDEAL MAN – The wild, young liberal type. One who understands her needs and love trying out new positions.
WHERE TO MEET – You could run into sluts like this hanging around any convention in town promoting their large display of sex toys.
GOAL – To invite all hot, horny studs across America for an all-night sex orgy.
RATING: 3.9…If money and a sense of security is something you feel is important, then maybe this fun-loving ol’ bag is not for you. But keep the age difference in focus. Your buddies might think you’ve cracked up when they spot you and her together. They’ll swear you’re out with your grandma!
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A Good Managed Relationship Can Run Like A Smooth Train.
…..As Long As Both Parties Are Chugging Down The Same Track!
If you want your relationship to be different, then you have to be different from Day ONE! if the set up is always the same, despite your best intentions what follows will be the same. Change is necessary because if you act the way you have always acted and send the signals you have always sent, the odds are your relationships will always be the same.
The Beginning – The Set Up For A Let Down
As the active partner you will actively choreograph the “pursuit portion” of your relationships. This means you construct the setup, and you select the “operating system” from which all future “programs” in this relationship will run.
You determine the intensity, you chose the style, and you set the pace. Typically you set it up so that you will have control and power. Regardless of how good your intentions are, the potential to abuse this power is enormous.
In the beginning your goal is seduction, be it emotional or physical, and everything you say and do is a means of accomplishing that goal. Typically you place emphasis on information that will get a positive response and withhold or downplay information that might serve as a warning. (Also see, saving your relationship).
You want to be with this new person, and you aren’t considering any ambivalence that might follow. In addition your seduction will be fueled by your fantasies; all of your hopes and dreams are going to be expressed through your words and your action – with no thought to the expectations these may provoke.
Given these feelings, how can you act responsibly? How can you be certain to attend to both sides of your conflict in a way that is fair to both your new partner and yourself? I urge you to follow these guidelines:
Don’t Rush In
You know that when you get yourself in too deep fast, this level of involvement makes you panic when the fantasy lifts. You have to keep reminding yourself of how badly you react when relationships start to get real. You also need to think more about how your behavior is making the other person feel.
Your breakneck pace sets up a whirlwind. If it doesn’t scare your love interest away, it’s so compelling, it can only provide the basis for an enormous fall. Remember, there’s one very simple way out of this: SLOW DOWN. Take your time. Let the intimacy develop gradually. Think before you leap. Avoid breakneck courtships and start evaluating a relationship step by step as it’s developing.
Don’t Give Partners Unrealistic Expectations
You have to understand the weight of your words. Phrases such as “I’ve never met anyone
like you before,” “I’m never this attracted to anyone,” and “I can’t wait for you to meet my sister – the two of you will really get along,” are incredibly seductive.
They evoke a feeling of specialness that encourages your partner to have high expectations as well as placing heavy pressure on you to come through with a commitment.
Sure, romance is fun. But to many people romance means love, and love mean marriage. Watch your words. If you use words that convey caring and the promise of a future, the other person may respond accordingly.
Certain phrases can cause even a first date’s attitude toward you to change totally – sometimes from casual to “overboard” in a single evening.
Don’t Misrepresent Your Romantic History Or Your Romantic Attitude
Don’t make it sound as though your previous relationships ended because your ex-partners were somehow lacking. It’s important that you accept responsibility for your participation and learn as much as you can from it.
Blaming your execs can also deceive your new partner, Someone who likes you is going to want to accept what you say at face value. If you tell someone, “Your different,” he/she wants to believe you.
If you say, “I want this relationship to be different,” or, “I think this relationship can be different,” he/she wants to share that hope.
Don’t convey attitudes without thinking about what you are saying. For example, if you mean “We don’t know each other well enough to have sex, “don’t say, “I would never go to bed with anyone unless I was certain the relationship is going to work out.”
Otherwise the moment you go to bed, your partner is going to assume it means a long-term commitment. Keep in mind that at this stage you have no idea how the relationship will work out. You may want it to be different, but wanting is not enough. Until you are totally sure, avoid implying anything that can confuse your partner about your past or your intentions for the present – or the future.
Don’t Knock Yourself Out Trying To Impress A Potential Partner
When you pull out all the stops to make an impression, your actions are saying, “This relationship is very important to me; I want to make it work.” That may be true right now, but how will you feel in six weeks or six months? Today you are overwhelmingly interested; tomorrow you may just feel overwhelmed.
Everyone has a different method of impressing dates.What are yours? Do you share the most intimate details of your life right away? If you do, your partner can’t help but think you are already clear about your intentions for developing a very sharing and exclusive relationship.
Do you spend excessively on restaurants, gifts, or trips? Do you cook wonderful meals or bring elegant gifts? All of this makes it appear that you’re taking the relationship very seriously, and it puts a lot of pressure on you to keep delivering.
The reality is that you can’t possibly be ready for something this serious this soon. Your behavior needs to reflect this fact. If you have a history of eventually being haunted by everything you gave in the beginning, it’s time to become comfortable with giving less.
No one, who’s interested in you,is going to walk away because you didn’t tell them your deepest, darkest secrets during your first phone call or take them to Paris on your first date.
Don’t Mess With Someone’s Kid; Don’t Mess With Someone’s Life
What most impresses a struggling single parent? Someone who cares about her kids. It
shows that you are a sensitive, caring, and well intentioned man. So you try to include them in your plans. Bring them along. Bring them gifts. Why not? You probably like them – you’re not faking it. It seems harmless enough. But it’s not.
Getting someone’s children involved in the courtship is a powerful sales technique, but it isn’t fair to the kids and isn’t fair to the parent. Involving her children suggests that you must be thinking long-term. The kids start to count on you. But you’re not ready to think long-term.
Right now, you need to be working on this relationship one day at a time. Besides, you know how this kind of pressure makes you feel: trapped. If you’re not absolutely certain that you will be there for these kids way down the road, this level of involvement is totally inappropriate right now.
The dude must keep in mind: You’re NOT a parent or step parent and you’re not their best friend. Later perhaps. But not now. What these children need is someone who is sensitive to their emotional needs and boundaries. This means, for now, you need to keep your distance!
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Making A Commitment From The Heart – No Better Way To Start!
Commitment is not a simple process. In recent post, we’ve touched on your feelings, behavior, choices, and fears. Most of all we’ve talked about conflict. But there is on thing we haven’t yet talked about, and that is how to go about establishing and sustaining a genuinely committed relationship.
That’s what we want to do here. We would like to start out by saying that we don’t believe it’s simple or easy. (I haven’t found it simple in my life and I don’t expect to find it simple in yours).
However, if you’re tired of always sitting on the edge of the pool, envying those who have had the courage to dive in and lead committed lives, there is a way to learn to take the plunge and swim in this intimidating body of water.
The First Step: Acknowledge Your Conflicts And Make A Commitment To Managing Them
Before you can do anything else, you have stop kidding yourself and stop trying to kid everyone else. Stop looking for excuses – either for yourself or for your partners. Whether you are always ambivalent or you always find yourself in relationships with ambivalent partners, recognize that you have issues that need to be resolved.
In life, there are always reasons why commitments haven’t been made or shouldn’t be made. For example, if someone is twenty-two and has only dated a few people, it’s appropriate to be unsure.
You may never feel one hundred percent certain about any realistic and appropriate choices, romantic or otherwise. There is only one solution to this dilemma: Instead of trying to find a relationship in which you have no ambivalence, commit yourself to managing it and constructing your life in such a way that you control this ambivalence, rather than letting it control you.
Know yourself and recognize how you behave. For example:
Know whether you have an active or a passive pattern
Know the ways in which you make inappropriate or unrealistic commitments
Know the point in any relationship at which you are most likely to panic and run
Know the ways in which you scare yourself by moving ahead too quickly
Know the ways in which you set up expectations that will ultimately make you want to bolt and run away.
Know your commitment fantasies
Know the ways in which you respond to someone else’s fantasies
Know the ways in which your response is so immediate and so intense that it might make a potential mate feel trapped
Know the ways in which you distance partners by constructing boundaries
Know the ways in which you fail to erect reasonable boundaries
Know the ways in which your ambivalence is acted out in the non romantic areas of your life
Recognize Your Fears And Know How You Act When You Are Afraid
Commitment Phobia is about fear. Fear of being stuck, trapped, or tied down; fear of losing options; fear of losing freedom; fear of losing control; fear of dependency; fear of being bored; fear of leading an ordinary life; fear of making a mistake or repeating mistakes (yours or someone else’s).
You need to be very specific in examining precisely what it is you don’t want in a relationship and then look at how these fears can cause you to choose badly or behave badly.
Here’s a good way to do this: Starting with parents and other relatives, think about all the people you know in long-term relationships. Make a list of what it is about these relationships that makes you uncomfortable and that you don’t want to duplicate in your own life.
Then think about all the people you know who have lives or jobs that you consider settled but dreary. Make a list of everything you consider negative or stultifying about their lives.
Then think about how these “fears” might be determining your patterns and behavior. Have any of your less-fortunate choices been extreme reactions to some of your fears?
We realize that there are many more complicated issues that can be reinforcing commitment conflicts, including fundamental fears of abandonment and intimacy that have their source in early childhood. These are obviously best managed with the help and support of a professional in a therapeutic situation. Be prepared to take those steps if necessary.
Look At The Narcissistic Elements Of All Your Choices
All too often the narcissistic voices in our heads lead us to make choices that reflect fantasy images of ourselves, but not who we really are. We live in homes we can’t afford, but cars we can’t maintain, we find partners who make us look good but are not necessarily good for us.
If there is a strong narcissistic voice in your head, you are walking on eggshells all the time. Prisoners of the need to be perfect are always searching for the perfect passion, the perfect career, the perfect car, the perfect VCR, and the perfect dog.
If you are relentlessly judging, criticizing, labeling, and typing, you may assume that everyone is doing the same to you. Always anticipating being scrutinized by the world, you give these feelings top priority. Your real needs are lost. You can’t make choices just for you.
If you want to liberate yourself from the prison of perfection, you must find the origin of the judgemental voices inside your head and start replacing them with self-acceptance.
Try to become comfortable with the concept of “good enough.” You need to see yourself as good enough right now, and you need to see your choices as good enough. There is no such thing as perfect; it’s a word we can all learn to live without.
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A Strong Character Builds Up Concrete Self-Esteem.
A Good Strong Character Is Key Towards Relationship Success.
So you want to win the one you want. That’s fine! Primarily, that’s what we target. But what we target is not always what we get. Understand that a relationship does not simply involve the other person. You’re involved too (good thinking)! Why is this so important?
Well, if you have problems, the relationship will have problems. You must place more focus on interpersonal relationship character building. You know the saying, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” Sure, it’s important that you select a partner who provides a strong link, but it is just as important for you to be a strong link as well. You should bring the best possible person you can to the relationship.
In trying to get the one you want to fall in love with you, you must remove as many potential obstacles as you can. For example, the one you want may desire somebody who is good-looking, has a lot of money, or has a certain kind of education. These can be potential obstacles.
Regardless of whether or not you can satisfy those “demands,” being of good character is paramount. Character can ‘win out’ over superficial qualities. It may just be harder and may take a little longer to win. But first and foremost, the most important matter should be placed on saving your relationship.
Character can actually overcome the necessity of having a good visual appearance. However, because human beings tend to judge others initially on physical appearance, this can create another obstacles you may have to overcome with your character.
To get a good jump on things, here are four important love tactics that you should follow:
Love Tactic #1…Make The Most Of Yourself
Every person is an embryonic God within him/herself. When people go into therapy, they explore their deeper subconscious thoughts and are able to find the divinity within themselves. They discover that there is good within every person. So the more time you take to honestly evaluate your strengths, as well as your weaknesses, the better you’ll feel about yourself.
Even if you’re afraid that your core is negative, don’t despair. We promise you that it is not. The deeper you go within yourself, the more positive qualities you’ll find. This will reinforce your self-esteem, which will reflect in your appearance and come across in your character. Others will notice.
Your feeling of positive self-esteem will attract others to you. People want others to lean on, and they are more inclined to lean on those who feel good about themselves. The more time you spend on introspection, the more vibrant and desirable you’ll be.
Love Tactic #2…Inventory Your Strengths
It’s time you get to know more about yourself. Take a piece of paper and write down your strengths and weaknesses. Begin with your strengths. Include things that you’ve accomplished, ways in which you feel good about yourself, and things that that are potentially good about you.
If you have a problem, something that you can change and make better, include it. It’s helpful to know your negatives and realize that you’re not locked into them. You may not be able to change everything, but just coming face to face with your own limitations is, paradoxically, a strength in itself.
It’s not so much what you have, but how you face what you have and what you are that makes you a strong person.
You may want to divide your list into categories. Include physical appearance, intelligence, personality, vocational qualities, social qualities, and so on. By looking at the categories, it will probably be easier for you to figure out what your strong points are, as well as weaknesses that you may want to improve.
As you feel more confident and become more aware of your strengths, you will be better able to use these strengths to gain the respect and desire of the one you want. Part of this evaluation process is to determine the factors that make you unique.
Each and every person has special qualities that help make them more desirable to others. By pinpointing these strengths clearly, you will be in a better position to attract the one you want.
Modesty is a virtue when when trying to present yourself to somebody else. But modesty is not a virtue when trying to evaluate your own strong points. Be as clear as you can be in knowing your good qualities.
Do not restrict yourself from correct self-analysis by being concerned about being too modest. Remember, this is important information that you’re not going to be sharing with anybody else. Run with it!
Love Tactic #3…Be Real
The more real you are as a person, the easier it is for others to relate to you and become emotionally attached to you. Being real means being honest about your frailties and weakness. (Although we’re not suggesting that you go trumpeting them through the streets!)
Get to know the real you! You are a wonderful human being. Concentrate on that, The real person within you is always easy for others to love. That’s where the expression “To know me is to love me” came from. The more a person gets to know the real you, the more he/she will feel attracted to you.
But this self-analysis may be hard for you. What can you do? Focus on the real strengths that you possess (and everyone has real strengths). Next, explore those areas that you’d really like to improve, and determine strategies for doing so. You’ll start feeling better almost instantly.
In fact, you won’t even have to accomplish all of your goals to feel like a better, more lovable person. You’ll begin feeling this way as soon as you start getting a grip on your life! Really!
Love Tactic #4…Believe In Yourself
As a human being, you have undreamed of power. The tale is told by the Hindus of how, in the beginning of the world, men shared godhood with Brahma and the other gods. However, man became lifted up in pride and Brahma decided to take man’s godhood away.
Brahma consulted with the lesser gods and asked where to put godhood so it would be safely out of man’s reach. “Let us put it on top of the highest mountain,” some suggested, “then man would have a most difficult time redeeming it!”
“No,” said Brahma, “someday man will climb even the highest of mountains. That isn’t good enough.” “Let us put it at the bottom of the deepest oceans,” others suggested.
“No,” said Brahma, “eventually man will someday redeem his godhood if we put it there.” Brahma went on, “There is only one place to put godhood, and that is deep within himself. It is the last place he will ever think to look, and only when he finally comes to that realization will it then be fitting for him to have it back!”
What’s the point of this little story? YOU HAVE GREAT POWER WITHIN. If only you can believe in yourself. The only thing that will prevent you from accomplishing things is your own unwillingness to trust your power.
Like Dorothy’s lesson in The Wizard of Oz, you really don’t have to look further than your own backyard to find the essentials necessary for a happy life.
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Building A Strong Relationship – Keeping It All Under Control.
In the beginning:
If you are the passive partner, you are responding to someone with demonstrable ambivalence about permanent relationships. Although you may start out with serious reservations about this new partner, you typically ignore them. For example:
Even when this person presents sufficient evidence, either through words, deeds, or history, that he/she is commitment phobic or otherwise unavailable, you are likely to hold nothing back.
Even when you recognize – or others tell you – that this person is not emotionally reliable, your fantasies and hopes become focused on cementing a permanent relationship.
Sometimes it seems as though you respond almost as if you are being tested on your ability to respond. Perhaps because you sense that your partner is not fully capable of commitment, you are inappropriately frightened of losing this fledgling relationship. A relationship you clearly want to save.
For reasons that are illusory, you quickly become overly committed to what you perceive as the relationships potential.
This attitude leaves you vulnerable and exposed. But instead of attending to this condition, you may take pride in being able to achieve this high degree of involvement and responsiveness. You may tell yourself that your ability to trust, before trust is earned, is proof of your capacity for love and sharing. (Hopefully, during the relationship, you won’t have to deal with jealousy and insecurity).
Although it is hard to accuse you of being irresponsible to others, you are probably not being responsible to yourself. Your tendency to cooperate with an agenda designed by someone you barely know leaves you open for disappointment and confusion. You need to be more self-protective and to behave more wisely.
Here are suggestions for changing the course of your relationship: KEEP YOUR FANTASIES UNDER CONTROL – You know by now that you have a very active fantasy life and that at the beginning of a relationship you immediately adjust your fantasies to include this new person. This can’t help but influence both your behavior and your expectations.
For example, you’re meeting someone for coffee, and in your fantasies you’re thinking about words of love and commitment. You have a date for the movies, and in your fantasies you’re planning a wedding. You go out to dinner, and in your fantasies you’re on your honeymoon.
Even your sexual fantasies tend to be committed. The only problem with this is that it makes you too invested in a relationship that hasn’t gotten off the ground and too committed to a person who has done little or nothing to earn it.
You should always try to keep your fantasies under control. Otherwise our responses may be more influenced by your dreams than by the real flesh-and-blood human being with human failings.
MAINTAIN APPROPRIATE RESPONSES – If you give too soon, you put too much pressure on the relationship. You have a responsibility to maintain appropriate boundaries. Enjoy the pursuit, but don’t get totally caught up in it.
Don’t treat the beginning of a relationship as though it’s already the most important relationship you’ll ever have. You don’t know what’s going to happen. If this new person’s interest is as reliable as you think it is, it’s not going to disappear overnight.
We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: If this is the romance of your lifetime, you’ll have a lifetime to enjoy it. So slow down!
Always remember, when new partners tell you they have commitment conflicts, no matter how attentive or loving they may be, listen to their words, believe them, and adjust your expectations accordingly.
DON’T ALLOW YOURSELF UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS – If you allow your expectations to soar early in a relationship, it leaves you vulnerable for a terrible disappointment. Keep your expectations realistic and don’t jump to commitment conclusions about what is said, no matter what your new partner says or promises.
Always keep in mind that those with active commitment conflicts frequently use romantic phrases they mean only for the moment. They are capable of making plans they will never follow through on. The words raise your expectations because they gibe with your fantasies of what a new romance should feel like. But words can’t always be trusted, particularly in a new relationship.
GET A NEW PARTNER’S ROMANTIC HISTORY AND PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU HEAR – If this person has a rocky history with others, don’t expect it to be different with you. Yes, we know that you are special. That doesn’t mean that you will be able to drastically change someone’s pattern. Heed what you hear and be forewarned.
You don’t have to prepare a test and sharpen all your number-two pencils in order to find out what you need to know from a new partner. Typically people like to share information. And even if someone is trying to conceal information, no one hides emotional garbage very well. Your job is to wake up and smell the garbage.
DON’T BE TOO EASILY WON OVER – There are a million and one different ways to impress or “win” someone over. Perhaps your new love is buying you gifts or being kind to your grandparents.
Perhaps what impresses you most is his wit, or her sensitivity or emotional depth. He or she is telling you about childhood incidents, adolescent trauma, and adult pain.
This is very winning and seductive. Listen and take it all in. Perhaps you are establishing an intimate, connected relationship. But you may also be with someone who bares his or her soul regularly. Always give the relationship some time before you decide that it’s the right one.
PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN, YOUR WORK, AND YOUR LIFE – Lovers can come and lovers can go, but your children, your work, and the rest of your life are going to be with you for a long time.
Don’t start rearranging your life until you are sure you are with someone who is kind, supportive, caring, involved, and committed.
Yes, we know that sometimes people have to take risk, but don’t put any of the essential elements of your life at risk until you are operating on more than a romantic promise. Allow someone into your life slowly, one step at a time – over a period of time.
Keep in mind that committing oneself too soon is as indicative of a commitment conflict as not being able to commit at all. It shows an unrealistic attitude toward love and romance.
You may stay awake most nights worrying about commitment.
Commitment Phobia worry most singles.
Being single and constantly on the lookout can be exhausting! Then when you find that ‘special someone’, your mind starts racing.
You start thinking “How serious will this get?” “I’m I really ready to be tied down?” “This shit is driving me CRAZY!!”
Just the idea of agreeing to be with another human being for the rest of your life makes your heart pound.
Granted, you’re not in any physical danger regarding your significant other, but you start experiencing anxieties and fears that your body just can’t understand. Keeping awake at night and not getting enough sleep, will cause other health issues.
What you are experiencing is a condition known as ‘Commitment Phobia.’ It’s a claustrophobic response to intimate relationships. The dictionary defines claustrophobia as a fear of enclosed or narrow spaces.
To a commitment phobic, that’s what a relationship symbolizes – an enclosed space in which he or she may get stuck. Commitment phobia comes with all the classic phobic symptoms:
A general sense of dread
As most of us know, these are all “fight or flight” responses- the body’s way of mobilizing itself against a threat.
And it is how people with severe and active commitment conflicts respond when they feel they are involved in a romantic situation that bears the trappings of permanency.
Then next, they know after a short while, will come relationship problems.(More issues to deal with down the road).
The brain sends a message to the body: “I’m terrified.” And the body sends a message back: “Danger! Get Out! Now!!”
You don’t have to be in any real physical danger for the body to mobilize its defenses. If you perceive something as a threat, then the body reacts as though there is indeed a very real threat.
“Give me liberty or give me death!” it cries. “Fifty-four or fight!” “Not another nickel to the King!” Whether you know it or not, your body has gone to war.
Why war? What’s so scary that such drastic action is called for? And who is the foe? For someone with a genuine commitment phobic response, the foe is the relationship itself. It’s the loss of freedom that’s frightening.
If on some very visceral level you equate commitment with the loss of freedom, then commitment may be anxiety provoking or even truly terrifying. Your body gets prepared to help you escape.
It will respond to that relationship the same way it would respond if you were a claustrophobic trapped in an elevator, an airplane, a crowd, or a closet.
DIFFERENT LEVELS OF FEAR
Of course not everyone experiences his or her fear of commitment in the same way. Fear can range from severe to more subtle. For example:
Overwhelming panic: is the best way to describe reactions that are both immediateand intense. The minute the relationship gets “tight,”fear sets in. These men and women can’t help but recognize what they are feeling.
Anxiety:Anxiety ranging from mild to intense is the way many men and women with commitment conflicts describe their feelings.
This group rarely feels outright panic, and the symptoms of fear, or phobia,may be so subtle and so seemingly disconnected from the relationship that at first they are only vaguely aware of what’s taking place. But when the anxiety hangs around long enough, they become acutely aware of their discomfort.
Controlled fear: is the feeling expressed by those men and women who acknowledge their conflicts and who are attempting to lead their lives in a way that compensates for their feelings.
Hidden fear:is the only way to describe the reactions of those men and women whose history clearly indicates that they are avoiding commitment, even though they have no conscious awareness of what they are doing. These men and women are so terrified of commitment that they rarely, if ever, consider becoming involved with anyone who would present them with the opportunity to confront their terror. Because they are attracted to partners who are unavailable or pulling away, unless they accidentally stumble into a committed relationship, they have no idea of the depth of their anxiety.
WHY SHOULD THE IDEA OF COMMITMENT BE SO THREATENING?
Some people might argue that fear of commitment is built into our genetic code, that in the human jungle the mere act of caring for and accommodating to a full-time partner is a threat.
After all, it means slowing down, lowing defenses, and becoming less alert to the possibility of danger. The fact is that commitment is scary for a lot of reasons, all of which need to be acknowledged and examined.
First is what we see as the primary conflict – what we feel when commitment threatens our basic and powerful need to feel free.
These are those who would even take this a step farther and question whether or not permanent commitment is healthy or even normal. These people question whether humans are meant to form permanent unions with each other.
While thinking about this is provocative, there is probably no satisfactory answer to the question of whether people, like swans, are designed to mate for life. And we are not about to argue the merits of marriage versus a single life.
Forever is scary. Commitment – whether in the form of marriage or not- represents an enormous responsibility. Once we commit ourselves, we owe something to another human being.
Someone else counts on us, depends on us, relies on us. The notion of this extra burden is frightening. But there is a difference between having commitment fears and being downright phobic.